This time of night, from about 10pm to 1am, are the absolute worst for me. If I try to sleep I just think about everything and end up crying until I make myself sick. I have found that it is easier to stay awake until I am so tired that I just collapse. I have a few friends who usually help me during these alone hours, but of course Facebook is blocked in the hospital so I can't chat with them like I normally do. (miss you Bill and Sara)
I did go talk to one of the nurses for a while but I hate to keep distracting her from her job. She was Eli's nurse one night during our first stay here. During that time she took Eli out and kept him at the nurses station for part of the night so we could rest. She was so loving and caring with him. She lives near us, so she gave me her number at home and even offered to come rock Eli if we needed a break. Things were so hectic at home that I didn't get a chance to unpack our bag and dig her number out, so I got in a bit of trouble tonight for not calling.... She's not Eli's nurse tonight, but she is down here on the same floor. I was so shocked when we heard a knock on the door and saw her. She made an effort to come and find us and love on our little guy. It is so wonderful to find people who truly care. We went back up to pICU tonight to see Becky in case we were discharged tomorrow. She gave me the address so we can send cards and pictures of Eli up there to them, as well as her email so we can keep in touch with her. She is another special person we have met here.
The neurologist who did the EMG test on Eli walked by us today while we were waiting for him to get out of surgery; he stopped and talked to us for just a few minutes, but he said more in that time to help than some hour long conversations I've had. He let us know that he understands things a little better because he has an autistic child; he's been on the other side of a bad diagnosis. His will require a lifetime of care, ours a shorter one. He told us that everyone has something to accomplish while here; some people take many years to do whatever it is, while others get here and do it in a short time.
I don't know what Eli was sent here for; I know he has taught me to love to a depth I never thought possible. He has taught me to be strong and stand for what I believe in; he has showed me that I can fight passionately for my beliefs. He allowed me to see a new side to my husband, an even kinder and more loving side, one that at times broke my heart. He taught me that a rough day of fussing is forgiven by the smallest of smiles. He has let me see how loved and supported we are by our family and friends. It will be hard to see him go, but I have to try to remember all the good things he brought to my life in just a short time. He has changed the way I think, love, live.... I just can't believe he won't be here to keep teaching me....