This time of night, from about 10pm to 1am, are the absolute worst for me. If I try to sleep I just think about everything and end up crying until I make myself sick. I have found that it is easier to stay awake until I am so tired that I just collapse. I have a few friends who usually help me during these alone hours, but of course Facebook is blocked in the hospital so I can't chat with them like I normally do. (miss you Bill and Sara)
I did go talk to one of the nurses for a while but I hate to keep distracting her from her job. She was Eli's nurse one night during our first stay here. During that time she took Eli out and kept him at the nurses station for part of the night so we could rest. She was so loving and caring with him. She lives near us, so she gave me her number at home and even offered to come rock Eli if we needed a break. Things were so hectic at home that I didn't get a chance to unpack our bag and dig her number out, so I got in a bit of trouble tonight for not calling.... She's not Eli's nurse tonight, but she is down here on the same floor. I was so shocked when we heard a knock on the door and saw her. She made an effort to come and find us and love on our little guy. It is so wonderful to find people who truly care. We went back up to pICU tonight to see Becky in case we were discharged tomorrow. She gave me the address so we can send cards and pictures of Eli up there to them, as well as her email so we can keep in touch with her. She is another special person we have met here.
The neurologist who did the EMG test on Eli walked by us today while we were waiting for him to get out of surgery; he stopped and talked to us for just a few minutes, but he said more in that time to help than some hour long conversations I've had. He let us know that he understands things a little better because he has an autistic child; he's been on the other side of a bad diagnosis. His will require a lifetime of care, ours a shorter one. He told us that everyone has something to accomplish while here; some people take many years to do whatever it is, while others get here and do it in a short time.
I don't know what Eli was sent here for; I know he has taught me to love to a depth I never thought possible. He has taught me to be strong and stand for what I believe in; he has showed me that I can fight passionately for my beliefs. He allowed me to see a new side to my husband, an even kinder and more loving side, one that at times broke my heart. He taught me that a rough day of fussing is forgiven by the smallest of smiles. He has let me see how loved and supported we are by our family and friends. It will be hard to see him go, but I have to try to remember all the good things he brought to my life in just a short time. He has changed the way I think, love, live.... I just can't believe he won't be here to keep teaching me....
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7 comments:
Rita, thank you for keeping up this blog. Eli is precious! Keep lovin' on him! Take care of yourself, he needs his mommy. xx elke
rita, there is a purpose for this and only god knows... just remember that you're Eli's mother and you hang on to him and love on him as much as possible.. The good Lord knows when its time for his angel to come to him and enjoy every minute with him as long as you guys can.. The good Lord is bringing you and Jason closer for some reason through the baby, so listen and everything will be alright... My heart really goes out to you guys, I don't know the feeling of getting ready to loose a child but mommy does... It won't be easy at first but let the Lord handle it and he will see you through... Eli is in my heart and I pray everynite for him snd you guys.. Thanks for keeping up on the blog cause thats the only way Iknow about the condition of him...May God Bless each and everyone of you.. Just keep praying... love ya cuz and always will.. Diana
I just want you to know we have been praying for you Jason and Eli. I hope ya'll are going to be getting out of the hopsital tomorrow and bring that precious baby boy home so you can just love on him. If there is anything we can help you with even if it's just a phone call to let of steam because there isn't anyone else I'm here for all of ya'll. Elizabeth
thinking of you this morning. you can call me anytime, even if it's just to have someone be quiet with you.
Rita just wanted to let you know I love you and miss you. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I almost lost my daughter a few years ago and it was the worst few days of my life, I couldn't do anything for her to comfort her pain, she would cry and look at me and ask me to make them go away and not stick her again, I felt so helpless. I argued with the nurses and doctors but they were going to do what they wanted no matter what I said. I can't imagine what you and Jason must be feeling right now. I wish I was there to comfort you and help you. The new Faith Hill song says it best (A BABY CHANGES EVERYTHING) nothing could be more true, when they come into your life you are forever changed. You look at everything differently from there on out. You had never imagined you could love someone as much as you do your child and the thing is they love you just as much
if not more. I hope something good will come from this, if nothing else it seems to let us know there is still some good things left in this world and some wonderful people out there who will go the extra mile for us, we will find a friend in someone we have never met when we need it the most. I hope you get a miracle and just wanted to tell you I think you and Jason are the best parents in the world and two of the strongest people I know, you have fought and done everything you could possibly do for your baby and you guys are amazing, never forget that.
Love Ed
I just wanted you, Jason, and sweet Eli to know that I have been praying for ya'll! Eli IS a little angel...he's just so precious. I love what that doc said to you and your last paragraph was just beautiful! Who would have known...of all the people we've met in our lives...a tiny bundle of joy could be one of the greatest teachers... You just keep being the best mommy in the world to him. I am so proud of you and Jason both! Eli knows what you've been doing for him and that ya'll love him very much!
Rita,
You are so incredible throughout this whole tragedy. You stay strong, you keep us posted daily, and you remember all those loving moments you were able to share with your little one. It is VERY inspirational. You are making others realize that there are many different endings to life and they should be grateful for what they have. You and your family (including Eli) are in my thoughts and prayers.
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