Not much new from our house today. We are both a little under the weather. Jason went to the doctor yesterday and is currently on antibiotics. I'm starting to get whatever it is, but feel a little better today than yesterday. Nights are usually my worst time, so that could change at any minute. The weather was beautiful yesterday, high 70s, but changed last night and was down in the 30s. I think we are supposed to have a few more cold days, but we seemed to have avoided the freezing rain that was discussed last night.
I think today is a numb day for us both. Jason will be returning to work tomorrow. I know he dreads it; not the work, but the constant "I'm sorry for your loss". I don't think we know what to say back to that really. I'm glad I can hide in the house for a while so I don't have to face it. I know I hate the sound of the phone ringing now. I usually just let the house phone ring and go to the answering machine. I always lose my cell phone so I never know when it rings anyway. I'm sorry if you are one of the family and friends trying to call. We just need a little space right now...
I don't know what should be normal for our house now. It just seems so lonely and quiet. I hate that. I know we are both struggling with what to do with our time. We end up watching TV or playing on the computer. Nothing productive, nothing together. We have a lot to work on, especially finding activities we can do together. Avoiding each other isn't a good thing; part of it may be that we are both not feeling well. I hope thats it anyway...
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2 comments:
Rita,
I'm Brandi's friend Lauren from MD. We chatted in the past before Nikola was born. Brandi told me of your extremely trying time, and I wanted to send my thoughts and prayers to you and Jason.
I'm certainly not an expert, but I've had an experience with grief and illness in the recent past. My Mom passed from colon cancer at age 50 in July. I was there by myself with her holding her hand when she died.
It can be hard to hear the "are you okays", but the wonderful part about that is how much the people who ask the question do so because they love you and your family. Its clear that you, Jason and Eli were and are truly loved by your friends and family. When you're ready, let them help you. Talk about Eli all of the time. Talk about the wonderful memories and how gorgeous his photos are. It's going to be hard at times, but he lives on through you. Try to invest your energy in activism to raise awareness just as you have here. So little is known about lots of genetic diseases...informing just one person can have a huge cascade effect (Brandi has started educating us all on SMA).
He was part of your life for a reason. Much like myself, I'm sure you learned more from the first several months of motherhood than you have your entire life. I bet you are a wonderful mother--if you aren't sure about children now, that's perfectly normal. Give yourself time and then make the decision that works best for you and your husband. Would be an awful shame to waste a good set of parents though...its clear you fall into that category.
The most important thing is that you and Jason are there to support and love each other. You two are the only people that can truly understand exactly how the other feels.
There are alot of resources available including your local Hospice for grief support. We found Hospice to be incredibly helpful in our grieving process.
I hope my Mom is holding Eli now...as cute as his pictures are, I'm sure she scooped him right up as soon as she met him.
My heart is with you,
Lauren McNew
mcnewla@yahoo.com
hugs & prayers!
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