Two emotions that are really strong in my life right now...
I'm jealous of those who have healthy kids....kids that will grow up. I am happy for them too, but jealous all the same. Iknow how much joy Eli brought us in such a short time, so I'm glad other people get to experience that. However, I was looking forward to seeing Eli grow up, to see which one of us he was going to look like; to teach him to be a good man like his daddy; to share my love of giving and helping others. I could make a huge list of all that I had hoped and dreamed for my little guy. There's where part of the anger comes in. Why didn't I get to experience all this? Why did my son have to die? I see kids every day in situations where they are neglected or abused. Normal, healthy kids with parents who don't realize what they have been blessed with. That hurts. It makes me mad to see parents being mean or cruel. In the past I bit my tongue and walked away so I wouldn't cause a scene. I don't think I can do that anymore. I'm too angry to sit by and let it happen. The evil Rita from the hospital might emerge to take on yet another bully.
My heart broke even more tonight when I watched Jason play with our niece. He is such a natural with kids. He thinks he's not, but he is. I have never met a man so destined to be a dad. That makes it even harder to accept that we can't have kids together. I told him he could leave and find someone who was not a carrier of SMA, but he wasn't going for that. I just hate to see him not have a child to love. Maybe there is something in our future that will allow us to have a child....I don't know right now. I just know we have a huge empty void in our lives right now. We miss Eli so much. We don't have that beautiful smile to brighten our day so it is gloomy around here.
I'm having issues getting my feelings out tonight so I'll leave it at that until I process all that I have running through my head.