Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Jealousy and Anger

Two emotions that are really strong in my life right now...

I'm jealous of those who have healthy kids....kids that will grow up. I am happy for them too, but jealous all the same. Iknow how much joy Eli brought us in such a short time, so I'm glad other people get to experience that. However, I was looking forward to seeing Eli grow up, to see which one of us he was going to look like; to teach him to be a good man like his daddy; to share my love of giving and helping others. I could make a huge list of all that I had hoped and dreamed for my little guy. There's where part of the anger comes in. Why didn't I get to experience all this? Why did my son have to die? I see kids every day in situations where they are neglected or abused. Normal, healthy kids with parents who don't realize what they have been blessed with. That hurts. It makes me mad to see parents being mean or cruel. In the past I bit my tongue and walked away so I wouldn't cause a scene. I don't think I can do that anymore. I'm too angry to sit by and let it happen. The evil Rita from the hospital might emerge to take on yet another bully.

My heart broke even more tonight when I watched Jason play with our niece. He is such a natural with kids. He thinks he's not, but he is. I have never met a man so destined to be a dad. That makes it even harder to accept that we can't have kids together. I told him he could leave and find someone who was not a carrier of SMA, but he wasn't going for that. I just hate to see him not have a child to love. Maybe there is something in our future that will allow us to have a child....I don't know right now. I just know we have a huge empty void in our lives right now. We miss Eli so much. We don't have that beautiful smile to brighten our day so it is gloomy around here.

I'm having issues getting my feelings out tonight so I'll leave it at that until I process all that I have running through my head.


Softangelkisses said...

Big HUGS Rita! God Bless You & I will continue to pray for you and your family!

Anonymous said...

Rita...this book i read once is amazing and might help you!!! it is by Sheila Walsh and it is called unexpected grace...i had a copy of this...so i will see if i still have it and send it to you if i do!!!

thinking of you


Anonymous said...

Rita: We've never met; but I want you to know how touched my life has been by your Little Eli. I'd never heard of SMA before; but I can tell you it is on my radar now. My husband and I will be sending money to the Memorial Fund. Please understand; I would send to either the SMA or the Ronald McDonald house; but I decided we'd send it to the Memorial Fund instead, because then, when the dust settles, you can decide which fund is in more need. Words canNOT express how I feel for you right now; but I want you to know something: you made a comment about hugging your children just a little longer, and I do. Every night. I look at my daughter and I think of Eli. What a blessing he has been! My heart BREAKS for you, I wish I could just hug you and take the hurt away. Please know there are so many of us praying for you and your family right now. Eli will NOT be forgotten; EVER. Not even by those of us who never had the joy of meeting him. HE WILL live on, thru your good works, I just have a feeling you're going to do that; some how, some way. And, no, DON'T feel guilty about not walking away from the cruel or mean parent; you have every right to call them out on it. They need to realize the blessing they have; and how their actions are out of line. You have EVERY right; don't forget that.

I'm sorry to be so long winded; I just truly want you to know we're thinking of you; our hearts are beaking for you; and yes, we're holding our children a little closer; in honor of Eli.

Vickie (vic.the.mama.bear from the MSN boards)

Anonymous said...

Rita, we don't know each other but you and your family have touched my life. There are no words that I can offer to ease your pain but please know that my thoughts are with you.

You have such a big heart, a wonderful husband and Eli will always be remembered as such a beautiful baby boy. Your love for Eli has touched me and made me a better person.

Please accept my deepest sympathies.

Erin said...

Rita, I think your anger is very understandable...I know it won't erase the empty feeling, anger, and pain of Eli's passing, but maybe God has a plan in your future to fill the void. I know you both were and are wonderful parents. I say are because I know you will never forget Eli and because of you even those of us that never met him will not forget him either.

Teri said...

Rita, as I read your comments everyday I feel as though I am walking the walk that I walked 17 years ago, when my two precious baby boys became angels. I felt all the things that you are feeling. I could not understand why God chose my boys when there were babies in that NICU that their mommies were not there at all. The nurses even told me that there were many times that they had to send the police to find the mommies to come and pick the babies up when it was time for them to go home. I hated going out of the house, I would pray that tomorrow would just not come. But each day the sun would come up and I was forced to function in a world that I hated. As I sit here tonight, I am so thankful that the sun did rise each morning and that somewhere deep inside I made it. I did not understand God's plan at the time but now I look at my babies that are soon to be fifteen and I can not imagine my life without them. The pain never will go away, but it will lessen. That I do promise. It will not be over night and you will feel that it never will. But I do promise you it will. I said 17 years ago that I would never again go to a babies funeral, after having had two myself I always said that I was done. At work I have had to say goodbye to more of my babies that I care to admit, but your precious little man was different. I can not tell you why but he was. I have a tugging at my heart that I should be using my nursing skills for something else, but I am not sure what it is, but Eli has really made me think about where I should be. With children, but not sure where. I just want you to know that I love you and Jason and you are two of the most special people that I have ever known. I truly do know the pain that you are going through and it is the worst of the worst. But just know that you are not alone and do not feel guilty for any of your feeling. Time will dull things for you. Just know that if you need me I am here for you.

Anonymous said...

Rita and Jason.

I'm from the Aug HB board. My heart absolutely breaks for you. No one should ever have to bury their child. I witnessed this when my younger brother passed away and heard my mom say many of the same things you said in your blogs. It isn't fair. Parents should not outlive their children.

I pray you find your way in healing. I believe there is no right or wrong way to mourn and everyone does so in their own way.

I remember my aunt telling my mom a year after my brother passed that she "needed to get over it." There is no such thing. You never ever get over it, but you do get through it with time.

Your blog is a very precious way to remember your sweet Eli. He is an absolutely beautiful boy. His pictures are so adorable and I especially love the one of his little toes and the one where he is in the Christmas box.

I wish there was more I could do for you. I am so very sorry.