Sunday, January 18, 2009

Crumbling....


Right now I am feeling like a failure as a wife. Jason is having a bad day. It is so hard to see the man who is always MY rock falling like he is. He was the most amazing daddy. If you were able to witness him and Eli together, you know what I'm talking about. They both would light up when they were together. I went through a rough spell with PPD right after giving birth, so Jason did so much almost by himself for a little while. They definitely had a very special bond that many men never have with their child no matter how much time they have with them. It made me fall more in love with both of them. Jason could make Eli giggle and smile... I couldn't wait for him to get home from work sometimes so that I could hear that little giggle. So many men I know leave the child-raising to the women, but not Jason. He was hands-on from the beginning, like being a daddy was what he was put here to do. I don't know any words that I can say to comfort him, but I know, I understand why he can't get out of bed. There are no words. Nothing can fill the void. Nothing can bring back the giggles and the smiles. It is just easier to avoid and sleep.

4 comments:

Kelly said...

Rita,
Don't be so hard on yourself....you are not a failure in any way, form, or fashion. Just being there beside him, loving him, and sharing your thoughts, feelings, and emotions with each other is all you can do. I will pray that God will put his arms around Jason tonight and send him the comfort and peace we can only find in him.

Thinking of you both today...you're still in my prayers.

Kelly

Murphy's Law said...

Rita, you will have days like this. It is okay. It is to be expected. You have experienced the deepest pain and loss that ever existed. You are going to have days like this. In time these days will become fewer for you, but this is all still so new to you. It takes a lot of time.

You only need to remember to take each moment one at a time; do whatever it takes to get you through each day, and tell yourself that in time this will get better.

I am amazed at what you are even thinking about for your future, just days after experiencing such heartache - your continued writings and helping others, the possibility of starting a foundation, and the way you intend on keeping your child's spirit alive. These are all huge things and they need YOU to keep them going. Just think of all who will benefit emotionally and physically because of one little life who gave you such strength and love. I know Eli would be so proud of his mom and dad.

Anonymous said...

You and Jason were his angels here on earth and now he is yours up in heaven. He will always look at you and smile because he knows how lucky he was to have you as his parents. ♥

momoftwins06 said...

With each of your new posts, I feel the need to write you this long message with the most comforting words that I can find, telling you again and again how my heart aches terribly while I read of your and your husbands devestating trials. But as I begin to write it out, I realize that you hear all those things over and over again.
So, I just want to write again just to send you comfort in knowing that you are in our prayers, day in and day out, here in Kentucky.

I have cried so many tears over this- through my heartache for you, but not only that. But also tears of my own heartache after seeing HOW fast God can carry one away. Grasping how possible that it is, and it makes me want to do absolutely NOTHING else but spend every waking second doing something with my 2 precious girls. It leaves me feeling like I could NEVER spend enough time with them, do enough with them, or give them enough hugs and kisses.
Reading your posts has taught me to stop and smell the roses again; to not take the little things for granted- even the things that are hard not to. My girls have always been my top priority, but now more than ever, you have made me realize so much how important that it is that they know just how much they mean to their mommy, and just how important it is to enjoy any and every split second with them.

God Bless,
Natausha Miller

PS.
overlook the lengthy-ness of my comments- writing is something I do as well to get things off my mind (even though I started this one out with the intentions of it being short)...but thinking about you guys and your struggles right now is one thing that I can't seem to shake lately....