Sunday, January 18, 2009

Strength...

I keep seeing/hearing everyone talking about my strength through all of this... I don't think I'm strong, just in denial. It hasn't become all real. When it does, I will not be strong. I had to turn off so many of my feelings in the hospital in order to fight the battles I fought. I'm having a very difficult time getting them turned back on. There are some days where I don't feel anything. I have no idea how one even begins to cope with this situation. I think blogging gives me an outlet to release a lot of what I feel, what's on my mind. I find it much easier to let it all flow through my fingers onto the keyboard rather than crying. I'm sure we will need counseling at some point, but what can anyone really say or do to help? There are no words or actions that will bring Eli back. None. I could talk all day, cry all night, but the reality of it is, he's gone. My only hope is that I can do something to keep his memory alive, to give back just part of what he gave to us. If it only makes YOU appreciate YOUR children more, give them more kisses and hugs, read a story to them tonight before they fall asleep, then this will not have all been in vain.

6 comments:

Softangelkisses said...

HUGS & PRAYERS!

LeAndra Conley said...

Hi Rita! I hope you all are doing the best you can be right now. I commented you on your post from last night but I have a question for you, would you mind if I put you a photo collage together in memory of Eli? If you don't mind, please email me at conleys_2006@hotmail.com Thoughts & Prayers! LeAndra

Anonymous said...

Rita...i just want to say that I am thinking of you still. I love that you let "us" into your head and get to know you even better through your blog. It makes me feel closer to you.

Let me know if you need anythign!!

brent ginger and bria

Anonymous said...

Dear Rita -

I wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. In case you're wondering who I am - I joined the August 08 msn board just last month -my daughter Sydney was born the day before Eli. I know it must feel strange to have "strangers" reading about your life but I did want to share with you how Eli has inspired me. I started a journal for my daughter this weekend - I was just thinking about you and your situation and how could I ever let Sydney know how much I love her. I'm hoping when she is older and can read it she will know how much she is loved. Just wanted to share that with you.
Amy Z.

Anonymous said...

Rita,

You don't know me, I was sent your blog by a sister of a lady that works with Jason for prayer. I just want you to know that you all have been very strongly in our prayers and will continue to be for strenth to get through this very rough time, Eli is abouslutely precious. I also wanted to tell you thank for all the inspiration you have given me and baby Eli will always live in my mermory I can asure you. Reading your blog has made me more than realize that life goes fast and I don't need to be doing anything to make it any faster. Its made me see that I need to slow down and spend that extra time to sit down and play more with my boys, or just to take that few minutes to sit and really give my three year old full attenton when he's telling me about his day instead of trying to do what i didn't get done. I can't begin to tell you everything you have brought to me through your blog but thank you!!

Always in our prayers.
Renee

Anonymous said...

I was just checking back on the thread you started at 2Peas a couple of weeks ago. I am sorry to hear of Eli's passing. You and your husband sound so strong and loving that I know you'll take care of each other just like you did little Eli. Blessings. Patti