Strength...

I keep seeing/hearing everyone talking about my strength through all of this... I don't think I'm strong, just in denial. It hasn't become all real. When it does, I will not be strong. I had to turn off so many of my feelings in the hospital in order to fight the battles I fought. I'm having a very difficult time getting them turned back on. There are some days where I don't feel anything. I have no idea how one even begins to cope with this situation. I think blogging gives me an outlet to release a lot of what I feel, what's on my mind. I find it much easier to let it all flow through my fingers onto the keyboard rather than crying. I'm sure we will need counseling at some point, but what can anyone really say or do to help? There are no words or actions that will bring Eli back. None. I could talk all day, cry all night, but the reality of it is, he's gone. My only hope is that I can do something to keep his memory alive, to give back just part of what he gave to us. If it only makes YOU appreciate YOUR children more, give them more kisses and hugs, read a story to them tonight before they fall asleep, then this will not have all been in vain.