Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Why me?

Why us?

I hate questions that will never have an answer.  Ugh.

I am so sick of not sleeping again.  :(    I'm so tired all day and can't seem to get anything done.    I hate being such a complainer all the time, but it has been a long time since I actually felt like I had anything to be happy about.   I think hope has officially died at our house and the happiness along with it.   We keep trying to hang on and hope that something, ANYTHING good will happen and erase some of the pain from the past year and a half, but nothing yet.

I'm thinking about finally making an appointment with a counselor.   Our insurance covers 25 visits a year, so I'm thankful for that.  It is hard to pick someone just from looking at a list of names on a paper, but I guess I'll start with one and go from there.   We also made an appointment at one of the fertility clinics here to find out more information on the couple of options we are exploring.   I imagine they will all be out of our price range, but I think it is time we go find out for sure.   I'm at the point that I either want to have a plan on trying to have another child or go ahead and clean out the nursery.   I can't imagine even going through that room and trying to get rid of anything, but if we are going to plan a childless life, it has to be done at some point.   It sucks that there are companies out there who will come clean up blood and guts if someone is murdered in your house, but not one to come take away the baby stuff when your child dies.   The reminders are there and a closed door does nothing to lessen the pain of missing what should have been.  

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day, Dad!  I love you.

I wish we were celebrating Father's Day with our son today.   No matter how short the time we had with him, Jason will always be the best daddy I know.   He was the first to change Eli's diaper and the last of us to hold him after he passed away; he was there for every step of that boy's life.    I'll never forget the moments of watching them together.  Happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband.   

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Here are three of the cards I have made to donate and send for the Families of SMA convention this month.   I hope the person who gets them will appreciate the time and love I put into them.  

I still can't believe I am a Stampin' Up Demonstrator now!  Crazy.   If you want to look over the catalogs (or even place an order!), you can do that through the website I set up today!  http://www.stampinup.net/esuite/home/ritawright/    If you know anyone who likes the products or is interested in learning more about them, my contact info is on the site!  

Miss me?

Sorry for the lack of posts...   I think I just ran out of things to say.   We've been over and over the grief, the hurt, the anger so many times that I figured you were sick of hearing about it.   I know I'm sick of living it.   I think our friends are sick of hearing about it too as most of them seem to avoid us these days.  We've hoped for better, happier days, but they still elude us at every turn.   I don't know how you stay positive when life is nothing but a string of negatives.  Jason is my strong, silent husband who rarely says anything, but he finally shared that even he has lost hope for happiness at this point.   We even ventured as far as having the d-word discussion last week.   Sad that it even came to that, but coping with the loss of a child is HELL and sometimes it is too much.   We have a bit of a plan to try to work on our problems so we will see what happens.  

There's an old saying that money is the root of all evil.   (It might even be a Bible verse?)  For us, money is the KEY to all hope right now.   I feel like we are in a spot where we truly need about $15,000 to even have a shot at being a real family again.   Nobody is going to hand that over, so we have to try to figure out a way to save it up.    If you know anything about our past, you know we are pretty good at saving when we have to.   We had to pay for two funerals in about six months time right after we got married, so we KNOW about saving and paying off debt.   It is hard with me not working, but I'm slowly starting to send out resumes in hopes of someone returning a call and granting me an interview.   I know the chance to try PGD/IVF isn't going to fall into our laps and I feel like it is my responsibility to try to EARN it.   Jason works and pays the bills; I need to work and save!   Even a part-time job would work for me right now, so keep your fingers crossed that something opens up for me.  

More on that...   For a long time after Eli died, I barely functioned.    The thought of having to build a routine and get up and go to work every day was so overwhelming that I couldn't even think about it.   Now, I am ready to get out.   I feel trapped at home lately and I NEED to get out for my own sanity.  I just signed up to be a demonstrator for Stampin' Up so I at least have some projects to work on until something else comes through for me.   I love paper crafts, so I hope that love will help me get others interested as well.    I know it is a lifesaver for me sometimes.   I love being able to go in my room and let the creative juices flow.   It stimulates the mind, but also lets you be a kid again when you color images and cut and paste things.   :)

Anyway, that's what is going on in our world.   The garden has been producing quite well so far and now I am spending time baking zucchini bread to use up some of our crop.   The plant looks like it has had enough Texas heat so I think we are at the end for that.   My first tomato is starting to turn and the plant is full of small green ones.   We've picked beans a couple of times now and have a little freezer stash of those.   The strawberry plants are still going and man are the new ones good!  They are so sweet and delicious.   I know we won't get that many more this season, but we have a nice quart bag full of them frozen for later.   Jason pulled off the first few ears of corn and will be eating them in a veggie stir-fry for lunch tomorrow.   We've been taking full advantage of the fresh basil and putting it on our homemade pizzas.  

Oh, I am trying to quit eating meat!   That is my other news that I almost forgot to mention.   I started losing my taste for it back when I was pregnant with Eli (except for steak and chicken salad) and I just never liked it as much as I did before.   Jason decided to reduce his intake of red meat because of his family history of colon cancer so we haven't been eating it much.   So, I just decided to take the leap and give up meat.   I still have seafood and dairy on my list of foods I will eat, so I'm not going vegetarian....at least not just yet.