I drove to meet my friend for lunch today. When I stopped at the first red light, I automatically looked back to comfort Eli. He loved riding in the truck, but did not like stopping. I guess the habit of comforting has become second nature now.... It's these little things that make this so hard to deal with. If you have kids, you know they take over every part of your life. My eating, showering, living were all dictated by Eli and his current needs. Now that I'm able to do things at will, I find it odd. I remember longing for some free time to make cards or scrapbook. Now that I have it, it doesn't seem that appealing. I would trade all the hours in my day for one minute, just one more minute to hold Eli.
I just can't get over how different our house and our lives seem now. Nothing ever feels complete....we can FEEL that something is missing. His death has created a strange void that I have no idea how to fill. What do we do with all this free time? What do I do with all his things? What do I do with my breaking heart? His favorite toy was a crab that I got over at MGR. He loved it and would smile it at when we played. When we knew he wasn't going to make it, I told him that through the crab, he would always be with us...that daddy and I would take it with us when we did something fun so that we could know he was with us. We plan on having it etched into his headstone if we can. I also want to buy a box of them and take back down to the hospital to give to the infants there. If they brought joy to Eli, hopefully they can do the same for others. I took it with me today when I went to lunch. It may seem like an odd thing to do, but for now, it works.
I wasn't trying to run everyone off with my last post, just trying to share what I was feeling. It does seem a little strange to expose yourself so much to others. From reading all the comments, it seems like it might be helping others become better people, better parents, so please don't leave. If anyone has anything that they would like either Jason or I to write about, feel free to mention it in your comments. I want our experiences to help others as much as they possibly can.
One thing I know came out of this is that it got some couples talking about what happens in case of death. Do you know what your husband or wife would want if they suddenly passed away today? We never know how much time we have been granted here, so don't assume it will be forever. Be sure your family knows your wishes. It is HARD to decide if you don't know. I have been to the funeral home to plan 3 funerals now and it is not a good time to try and make decisions. If you have no idea what the person wants, it's basically a guessing game. Burial or cremation? Open or closed casket? Music? Clothes? Keepsakes? What type of service? Let someone know so that it takes the stress off them if something does happen; it will makes things much easier. That's a morbid talk to have, I know, but I promise it will be helpful if something were to happen to one of you.
I hope Eli's service reflected all the love that surrounded him. Again, thanks to everyone who was kind enough to stand up and talk, or offer hugs, or just be there. I think Jenni did an amazing job; she is such a special person, one that I hope to keep in touch with for a long time.