Sadness

For 32 years of my life I never wanted kids. I never did the babysitting thing, was never really around babies at all. I would be annoyed at stores and restaurants by the kids running all around being loud. When we found out we were going to be parents, I had mixed feelings. We had discussed having kids, but hadn't really decided that it was something we wanted to do. I knew I could never terminate a life, so we started down the journey...

I spent hours and hours researching... I read so many reviews of baby products that I became an expert of sorts. I only picked out products that I thought were safe. I read up on vaccines and got a little worried, so I made a plan to space them out. I did everything I could do to keep Eli safe...but in the end I was helpless to do so. It hurts to watch your little one suffer from something you can't take away or fix. I cried so many times wishing I could be the one hurting, the one who had to die. I wanted so much for him to grow up. I think he would have done great things in this world. He had so much personality for someone who was so new to this world. I fell in love more and more every single day. I would get cranky when he wouldn't eat or nap, but I gave up being upset and decided that if nothing else worked, we would play. I loved being a mom. It was the greatest job in the whole world.

Now that my job is over, I'm lost. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't know where my focus should be right now. Jason and some friends had mentioned maybe I should look into nursing or teaching, but I'm just not sure. I had so many plans of things to do with my son that I find it impossible to get off that track. I still want to bake cookies, play with clay, and spend the day at the park learning about plants. It is just not right or fair that I don't get to do those things. Not fair at all.

I looked at an adoption website today just because I was a little curious. I found baby after baby with serious issues....issues due to them being shaken. That only helped to fuel my anger at the unfairness of this situation. I would have never hurt Eli. NEVER.

This pain and loss is almost more than I can deal with at times. I hope it will lessen over time, but for now it is only growing stronger. I am so thankful I have a wonderful husband to hold me when I cry; someone who feels the same pain and will stay in bed and be sad with me. We are both so lost and hurt right now; the only thing saving us is each other. I love you, Jason.