Thursday, January 22, 2009

Sadness

video

For 32 years of my life I never wanted kids. I never did the babysitting thing, was never really around babies at all. I would be annoyed at stores and restaurants by the kids running all around being loud. When we found out we were going to be parents, I had mixed feelings. We had discussed having kids, but hadn't really decided that it was something we wanted to do. I knew I could never terminate a life, so we started down the journey...

I spent hours and hours researching... I read so many reviews of baby products that I became an expert of sorts. I only picked out products that I thought were safe. I read up on vaccines and got a little worried, so I made a plan to space them out. I did everything I could do to keep Eli safe...but in the end I was helpless to do so. It hurts to watch your little one suffer from something you can't take away or fix. I cried so many times wishing I could be the one hurting, the one who had to die. I wanted so much for him to grow up. I think he would have done great things in this world. He had so much personality for someone who was so new to this world. I fell in love more and more every single day. I would get cranky when he wouldn't eat or nap, but I gave up being upset and decided that if nothing else worked, we would play. I loved being a mom. It was the greatest job in the whole world.

Now that my job is over, I'm lost. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't know where my focus should be right now. Jason and some friends had mentioned maybe I should look into nursing or teaching, but I'm just not sure. I had so many plans of things to do with my son that I find it impossible to get off that track. I still want to bake cookies, play with clay, and spend the day at the park learning about plants. It is just not right or fair that I don't get to do those things. Not fair at all.

I looked at an adoption website today just because I was a little curious. I found baby after baby with serious issues....issues due to them being shaken. That only helped to fuel my anger at the unfairness of this situation. I would have never hurt Eli. NEVER.

This pain and loss is almost more than I can deal with at times. I hope it will lessen over time, but for now it is only growing stronger. I am so thankful I have a wonderful husband to hold me when I cry; someone who feels the same pain and will stay in bed and be sad with me. We are both so lost and hurt right now; the only thing saving us is each other. I love you, Jason.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Rita,
I am from the msn boards. We have all been praying for you, and wishing we could take your pain away. Eli has touched us all, and I doubt anyone who knows you and your family through this blog will ever be the same, or look at their children the same.
We are all here for you, in anyway you need. Just let us know.
Josephine (mammia from msn)

Eddie said...

Hey Sis,
I was just watching the video and you can see just how natural Jason is as a dad, you guys are special and don't forget that. I was reading what you wrote about the kids up for adoption and it just doesn't seem fair that the people who abuse their children and don't love them seem to have healthy babies and the ones who love their children more than their own life seem to have problems. Its things like this that makes you wonder how God works but I know he has a plan for each of the little ones. I just wanted to write you because I think about you all the time and worry about you guys. I hope we can see each other soon. The dinner at Wal-Mart went pretty good they raised around $400. If there is anything I can do to help in any way just let me know.
Love Ya

Anonymous said...

I just had all the people watch your video and they all got big smiles out of it. I absolutely agree that Jason is a natural! I have never heard him laugh as much as he did during that video. Love each other and lean on each other.

Love
Brandi

Anonymous said...

Dear Rita and Jason,
I am a fellow msn member. I am so sorry for your loss. I watched the videos and have seen the pictures. The smiles on Eli's face are a testament to the love you gave him and the love he had for you. I am sure that Eli's spirit lives on and radiates the love that he was give from the two of you.

Anonymous said...

Rita,

I just watched the video, oh it is priceless! Jason is definitly a natural with kids! Madi even stopped chewing on her bottle to watch Eli dancing..she was entraned by the action and noises, and Madi watches a lot of dancing, so she knows a great dancer when she sees one! I see how interested she is in Eli and I keep wishing they could have met...they would have been great friends!

Devin said...

Rita,
I am from the August board on iVillage. I read your blog from start to finish while my little one was napping and when she woke up I squeezed her tight and we cried together. I cried for Eli, for you and your husband, for how much of motherhood I have taken for granted. She cried because I was squeezing her just as tight as I could and I wouldn't let her go.
I wanted to let you know how much your son has touched my life ... all the way from Texas. I don't have much to say, I just wanted to you to know your blog, your story, your unimaginable experience, is making a difference even to people you've never met. I don't know what else to say.
- Devin (de_mi_le)