Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Heavy Hearts

I'm sitting here, fighting sleep, trying to figure out what I will do with my empty arms. It seems like we are always holding or patting Eli....what now? I know tonight and tomorrow morning will be hard. I know I will wake up tonight worried that I haven't heard him cry. Tomorrow I will wake up and wonder what I'm supposed to do... Every day for the past few months has started off with a beautiful smile from my baby boy... I won't get that tomorrow or ever again. I don't know what will fill that void in my heart, my soul.

Tonight was hard, but it was peaceful. I held him as he took his last breaths. It was beautiful that he did not have to struggle any at all. I was so dreading the new few weeks....there was so much equipment in our home when we got here, as well as different drugs we could use to keep him comfortable. We did not have to sit and watch him be spaced out on drugs or hooked up all the time to machines. I can't be mad about that. I'm angry that my time with him was so short. I never got to share my love of baseball or animals with him...but I did share my love FOR him with him and in the end, that is all that really matters.

It was hard letting him go when the funeral home came to take him. He had been gone for a few hours at that point, but I never let him go. I knew when he was out of my arms, I'd never hold him again. I took all the time I had to keep him near. Jason was kind enough to get him and hand him over so that he wasn't taken away from me. I know that wasn't easy for him either.

I don't know what the next hour or day holds, but I know it is already so difficult. I have already went and laid down in his room, held his Christmas pjs, and cried. It was the last outfit I can remember him being truly happy and smiling in. There are reminders of him everywhere, but I will slowly move them all into his room until I figure out what to do with them.

I ask that everyone PLEASE honor our wishes and do not send flowers. I hate the smell of flowers during times like these.

Thank you everyone, wherever you may be, for all the love and support.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have followed your story on the MSN boards and found your blog. Although I've never met you, my heart is so heavy for you right now. The strength you show through the words you post on your blog is amazing to me. I only hope that if I ever have to face something like this with my little man that I can have half the strength you show. You are an amazing woman and you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers in the coming days. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy.

Anonymous said...

I have recently learned a great deal about your amazing family from a mutual friend Elizabeth Tullock. You are truly blessed to have such a beautiful little boy and family. Our thoughts and prayers are with you!

Lisa & Jeremy Oelschlager
Orlando, FL

Gina said...

Rita,
I am so sorry for your loss. I read your blogs this morning and couldn't hold back the tears. I want you to know that we all love you and will be praying for your family. I can't say that I know what you are going through, I can only imagine the grief. If you need anything, please let us know. We love you,
Gina, Dale and family

Eddie said...

Rita,
Hey sis, I want you to know how sorry I am for you and Jason. Everyone here wishes they could help but I know nothing can at this point.
If you need anything just let us know
what it is. I don't know where you get all of your strength from, you guys are truly amazing people. I will have you on my mind all day wishing I could be there to help you with your grief. I love you so much, don't forget it. I never got to meet Eli but I feel like I did through your blog, thank you for keeping everyone here updated so often.
Love Eddie & Deanna

Anonymous said...

Rita & Jason
Sorry for your loss. Zee and I really enjoyed the day we spent with you and Eli. He was so cute and smiling all the time.You are in our prayers,
Fred $ Zee

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I loved looking at his pictures and seeing that sweet smile. You're in my heart and prayers.

mrss

Anonymous said...

Rita, Jason, and family,
I'm so sorry. I have no idea what you are going through right now, but please know that my love, thoughts, and prayers are constantly with you all. I am here for you anytime.
Love you,
Sara

Softangelkisses said...

Still praying for you today and always.
Love,
Mary

Anonymous said...

Dearest Beasley-Wright family... please know you are all in our prayers and thoughts constantly...
Wish we could have been there with and for you and Sis Martha & Bro Danny but that is not how it is playing out .. However we will be praying and remembering you in the coming days and weeks... Thank you so much for allowing us all to "come in a little closer" thru the blogs they were a God-send....
God Bless & Keep you...
Ruby Thompson

Anonymous said...

I too have followed the story on the MSN boards and came across your blog. My heart is broken for you and your family and I am so sorry for the loss of Eli. In his short time, his life has touched so many people in the world. I know that he has touched mine in the most loving way.

You, your family, and all those who loved little Eli will be in my thoughts and prayers in the days ahead. God bless.

Anonymous said...

Rita & Jason-I just read the news. I am so sorry I never got to meet this amazing little man. I know you are both so strong. I can't begin to imagine the pain you are feeling but you are all in my heart and prayers. I wish there was something I could do or say to help but I know nothing can today. Please know that as always I am here for you and if you guys need ANYTHING please let me know. I am just down the street so I can be there in a flash.
God Bless - Niki

Anonymous said...

I am also from msn. You have my prayers and those of my extended family, yesterday, today, and always.
Thank you for sharing Eli, he will live on in so many ways. God bless you.

Anonymous said...

I have also been following your story on the MSN board and found your blog. Even though we never chatted I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. You both are amazing people and I wanted to let you know that your little angel touched a lot of hearts from all over including mine. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you nothing but love, peace and strength through this difficult time.

Anonymous said...

I too have followed your story on the MSN boards and recently on your blog. You are such an strong woman, the strength you showed is such an inspiration. I wish you and your family peace and love at this time. Please know that you and Eli touched so many people, many you didn't even know, in such a wonderful and profound way.
You and your family will be in my heart and thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I'm from MSN too. I'm so sorry for the loss of Eli. We never chatted, but I followed your story. You are such a strong woman. I'm sitting here crying... Sweet little Eli touched so many people that even a stranger in another country has been brought to tears. I wish you peace.