I'm sitting here, fighting sleep, trying to figure out what I will do with my empty arms. It seems like we are always holding or patting Eli....what now? I know tonight and tomorrow morning will be hard. I know I will wake up tonight worried that I haven't heard him cry. Tomorrow I will wake up and wonder what I'm supposed to do... Every day for the past few months has started off with a beautiful smile from my baby boy... I won't get that tomorrow or ever again. I don't know what will fill that void in my heart, my soul.
Tonight was hard, but it was peaceful. I held him as he took his last breaths. It was beautiful that he did not have to struggle any at all. I was so dreading the new few weeks....there was so much equipment in our home when we got here, as well as different drugs we could use to keep him comfortable. We did not have to sit and watch him be spaced out on drugs or hooked up all the time to machines. I can't be mad about that. I'm angry that my time with him was so short. I never got to share my love of baseball or animals with him...but I did share my love FOR him with him and in the end, that is all that really matters.
It was hard letting him go when the funeral home came to take him. He had been gone for a few hours at that point, but I never let him go. I knew when he was out of my arms, I'd never hold him again. I took all the time I had to keep him near. Jason was kind enough to get him and hand him over so that he wasn't taken away from me. I know that wasn't easy for him either.
I don't know what the next hour or day holds, but I know it is already so difficult. I have already went and laid down in his room, held his Christmas pjs, and cried. It was the last outfit I can remember him being truly happy and smiling in. There are reminders of him everywhere, but I will slowly move them all into his room until I figure out what to do with them.
I ask that everyone PLEASE honor our wishes and do not send flowers. I hate the smell of flowers during times like these.
Thank you everyone, wherever you may be, for all the love and support.