I'm struggling with the words to write now... When I started my blog it was to keep our distant family informed of what was happening in our lives. Once I found out I was pregnant, I used it to update our progress and our preparations. For the past few weeks, it has been more of a release for me; a way to reflect on the day's happenings, a way to sort through my feelings. I'm not sure what happened, but the number of people reading it has grown so much...it is freaking me out a little. I wasn't able to write yesterday and I'm feeling restrained again today. I would love for some of you that I may have not met personally, or even those that I have, to leave a comment and let me know what you've got out of reading and keeping up with what's going on. Maybe it will help inspire me to get back to reflecting and sharing more... I'll still try tonight because I need to write.
Today was a rough day, but not as bad as I thought. I'm sure people are questioning why we are holding up so well. It's not that we didn't love Eli; it's that it hasn't really sunk in that he's gone. If you come and look around my home, his stuff is still scattered all around. The baby monitor is still hooked up waiting on his cries. I feel like he's with a babysitter and will be back. Things happened too fast. I don't think I have even processed that he might have SMA; I am no where near dealing with the diagnosis and his death. I can feel the emptiness surrounding us; I feel like something is missing, but I still feel like none of this is real. I'm also not a public person, so I try to keep my grief in until I'm alone. I did great last night but at the end, we asked everyone to leave, I closed the doors, and finally broke down. Today I cried during the service, but didn't break down until we were walking towards the truck to leave the cemetery.
The distractions our friends are providing have been good at helping us to avoid a total breakdown, but Monday morning we will wake up to a quiet house and I fear the realization will hit then.
I thank everyone who stood with us over the past few days/weeks. Without you we could not be this strong. I was amazed at the number of people there last night and today. I also thank those of you who wore red and pink today in honor of Eli; I know some of you who weren't able to be here with us did it too and that's awesome!
I also want to thank those of you who have made donations in Eli's name; there were 4 cards in our mail today from the Ronald McDonald House about donations they had received. My friend is really encouraging me to think about starting a non-profit to raise money for SMA research. I'm thinking about it, but right now I don't have the mental capacity to do anything beyond eating and sleeping (and truthfully, I'm not doing those very well either). I know I want to do good deeds to keep Eli's spirit and story alive, but I'm not sure the path I want to take to do that yet.
I am hesitant to post this, but was told I needed to by a friend. I know many of my friends from the MSN August 08 message board and MGR worked hard to set this up, so I do it for them. A memorial fund was started in Eli's name to give people who wanted to send money a way to do it. Jason and I are in no financial trouble that I'm aware of, so I don't want anyone to send money for that reason. I have no idea what our medical bills will end up looking like, but I think we have pretty good insurance to cover most of it. Any money deposited will be used in ways to keep Eli's shining spirit alive for us; we want to help as many other children as we can through both research and support.
Checks made to Elias Beasley-Wright Memorial Fund
Mail to: Amegy Bank NA
P.O. Box 3016