Unfairness

Most nights I was always awake for several minutes before Eli ever made the first cry. I could hear him starting to stir, or maybe it was just a mom thing, but most nights I was up and ready. Many of those nights Jason would be the one to go and comfort him at 3am because I had been up with him several times already, but a lot of them both of us did. There was always a stirring sound, a rustling, that I think woke me up...

For the past two mornings, I've heard that. I know I need to unhook the baby monitor, but it seems so final, even more final than the burial. Jason said he woke up yesterday morning thinking he heard him too. Maybe we are hearing him; maybe he is letting us know that even though we aren't physically able to hold him, he's still here....and will always be.

Today is starting off as one of those bad days for me. I hate the days like this. But for today, it is the unfairness of it all that is on my mind. We would have been good parents, we WERE good parents.