Monday, January 19, 2009


Most nights I was always awake for several minutes before Eli ever made the first cry. I could hear him starting to stir, or maybe it was just a mom thing, but most nights I was up and ready. Many of those nights Jason would be the one to go and comfort him at 3am because I had been up with him several times already, but a lot of them both of us did. There was always a stirring sound, a rustling, that I think woke me up...

For the past two mornings, I've heard that. I know I need to unhook the baby monitor, but it seems so final, even more final than the burial. Jason said he woke up yesterday morning thinking he heard him too. Maybe we are hearing him; maybe he is letting us know that even though we aren't physically able to hold him, he's still here....and will always be.

Today is starting off as one of those bad days for me. I hate the days like this. But for today, it is the unfairness of it all that is on my mind. We would have been good parents, we WERE good parents.


Angie said...

There's no prescribed way to deal with grief, but denial is usually part of the process somewhere. I think people keep commenting on your strength because most of us could not fathom that it is possible to survive something like this. The fact that you are sitting upright and typing is more than most could imagine.

It's okay to be in denial. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to crumble. I hope this blog continues to be an outlet for you, but don't feel you have to censor yourself or be strong for others. It will likely be a very long and sometimes seemingly schizophrenic road. You just have to do what's best for you right now. And remember that you have friends that love you.

Roooommmmaaaattee (sorry, I had to give it a shot).

Rita said...

Thanks, Angie, You made me smile. That's pretty good for today.

Softangelkisses said...