We went and looked at the headstones today to see which one we liked. It was hard to decide without seeing it in person, so we brought the drawings home to look over them a bit more. We then went out to the cemetery to see if they had any similar to what we were looking at. There were a few there that we liked, some similiar to what we'd already picked out, so we should be making a decision soon. They will be engraving the crab toy that Eli loved so much on it.... it always made him smile so I can't think of anything better to symbolize his life than that.
The funeral flowers had all died for the most part, so Jason and I cleaned off Eli's grave while we were there. I kept the bows and carnations that were still pretty and made a little bouquet with them. It was so hard to stand there knowing my little boy was deep in the ground, so far away from my arms. I would give my very soul just to hold him one more time, to see that beautiful smile just once. I miss him more and more every day.
We took time to clean off the graves of his grandparents too; we also brought fresh flowers to put in the vases on their headstone. I hope we can take flowers out at least every other weekend. One grave there had a pole with wind chimes hanging on it; I think I will do this for Eli too. I have always loved wind chimes; my grandparents always had them on their porch and I have some on mine right now. I just have to find one that is worthy of my little guy; he will then have music to listen to on those cold windy days.
The past 2 or 3 days have been tough. I could easily have stayed in bed and ignored the rest of the world. Jason has pulled me off the couch a few times already. I'm not sure why its getting harder to deal with, but it is.... I thought time was going to help us heal, but it seems to be making me hurt.