Sunday, January 25, 2009

3am, and yes, I am lonely

Most nights I still wake up at 3 am, just from habit I guess. Tonight I couldn't seem to go back to sleep. It has now been a bit over a week and a half since we lost Eli, but it seems like years already. Maybe the lack of truly living makes it seem like so long ago... I know we are just existing right now. Jason didn't leave the house at all yesterday; neither of us showered...we are just here.

I don't know how to go about the process of living again. When is the right time to decide if we want more kids, the method to try to have them, or look into adoption? 3 months from now, a year, never? When can we laugh again and not feel guilty because we aren't crying? When will we go to the store and remember that we don't need anything from the baby aisle? When will people stop calling to make sure we are okay? What kind of life/future do we have now?

I don't think I ever want to put myself into a position to go through this heartbreak again. It hurts too bad. I hope with all my heart that someone can find a way to help or cure children with SMA so that no more parents have to live through this hell.


Softangelkisses said...


Anonymous said...

Rita my prayers are with you and Jason. My heart goes out to you. Only you will know when the time is right for you just give yourself time. Love, Vickie

Anonymous said...

Rita, my heart goes out to you. You are stronger than I would be. Keep telling yourself that it will get better. Since you are wondering how to go about having more children, I wanted to suggest that, once you are both ready, you do IVF. That way, they could test all the embryos and implant only the ones that don't carry SMA. I don't know if that agrees with your morals, but I thought I'd mention it. Hugs.