Saturday, February 14, 2009

One Month...

I'm not sure how to feel today. It is Valentine's Day, which should be a good, but it will also be a month since Eli left us. I can't believe it's been that long, but at the same time it feels like years already. I think each day seems longer than before, harder to enjoy. The past three days have been the worst I've had so far. I can't sleep, get up crying, and can't seem to be very productive when I am up. I am trying harder than I had been though. I had already checked out and wasn't doing much at all, but I know that only makes it worse, so I'm trying. I have been working on my chosen projects and trying to be a better wife. I don't want to hurt Jason and cause a rift between us, so I have to attempt to have a life. I think it is just surviving right now, but at least we can do that together.
Baby boy...

Daddy and I miss you more and more every single day. I have been clinging to your bear and blanket as I try to fall asleep at night. I wish with all my heart it could be you that I'm holding, but that can't happen now. It gets harder and harder to accept that you are really gone. I go into your room and all the things we so carefully picked out are still there... I found your Christmas vest on the dryer.... Your Bumbo is still in the corner of the living room. Everything is still here, just not you.

I got Daddy and I tickets to the Astros opening game. I cried and debated on it a long time, but Daddy wanted us to go. I already cry my eyes out thinking about it, but I'll go and think of you while I'm there. I had begged that you hang on long enough to go with me, but I am glad you didn't suffer to do that. It is hard to know you won't be there with me, but I know you'll be watching it with Grandpa Greg and Uncle Shawn.

I hope you like the wind chimes, red bird, and flowers we brought you last weekend. We all love and miss you so much.


Anonymous said...

grandma woke up this mrning with tearie eyes reading you're blog .dad and i cry each day also. it's left our hearts so empty. Today should be a happy day. but it's such a sad day. I looked so forward to the holidays bj\uying punkin special things. I'm glad also he's not suffering to . But that doesn't make it no eaiser. He truly was the highlight of my day ever moring. talking with you and checking on Eli to see what kind of nigth you had . Imiss our baby so much. I just wanted to say i love you 2 with all my heart

Hoskins Family said...

I saw on a post that you said you lost your son...I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that you will find peace and strength soon.

I have a friend that has blog for families that have lost children...her public blog is If you leave her a message on that blog that you would like to see the angel blog..she will respond. Hugs!