One Month...

I'm not sure how to feel today. It is Valentine's Day, which should be a good, but it will also be a month since Eli left us. I can't believe it's been that long, but at the same time it feels like years already. I think each day seems longer than before, harder to enjoy. The past three days have been the worst I've had so far. I can't sleep, get up crying, and can't seem to be very productive when I am up. I am trying harder than I had been though. I had already checked out and wasn't doing much at all, but I know that only makes it worse, so I'm trying. I have been working on my chosen projects and trying to be a better wife. I don't want to hurt Jason and cause a rift between us, so I have to attempt to have a life. I think it is just surviving right now, but at least we can do that together.
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Baby boy...

Daddy and I miss you more and more every single day. I have been clinging to your bear and blanket as I try to fall asleep at night. I wish with all my heart it could be you that I'm holding, but that can't happen now. It gets harder and harder to accept that you are really gone. I go into your room and all the things we so carefully picked out are still there... I found your Christmas vest on the dryer.... Your Bumbo is still in the corner of the living room. Everything is still here, just not you.

I got Daddy and I tickets to the Astros opening game. I cried and debated on it a long time, but Daddy wanted us to go. I already cry my eyes out thinking about it, but I'll go and think of you while I'm there. I had begged that you hang on long enough to go with me, but I am glad you didn't suffer to do that. It is hard to know you won't be there with me, but I know you'll be watching it with Grandpa Greg and Uncle Shawn.

I hope you like the wind chimes, red bird, and flowers we brought you last weekend. We all love and miss you so much.