I think the hardest part now is trying to maintain functionality. I feel like someone ripped my heart out, stabbed it, stomped it, and then put it back in and expected it to function the same. That just doesn't happen... I try to make myself get out of the house everyday, but for the past few days when I did, it was SOOO hard. I had to call Jason yesterday in the middle of Kroger to help me not have a complete breakdown. There was a beautiful little girl there with amazing curly hair...she was so upset and crying. Her parents totally ignored her, then mocked her. I was shaking because I was so upset. I finally went to a different aisle and was on the verge of sitting in the middle of it and crying. Luckily Jason's calming abilities work via phone so he talked me through it and I was okay. Tonight I went to Wal-Mart and walked around crying for about 2 hours. I went by the little boy department and they had the most adorable baseball pjs and they trigged a flood of tears that just wouldn't go away.

I don't know how to live in the "normal" world right now. I can't remember anything, I can't sleep. Nothing seems to be working right. I try to keep up the facade of being okay when we are around other people because I know everyone worries about us, but my ability to maintain it for long periods of time is declining rapidly. I miss Eli so much; I am so angry that I don't get to see him grow up. I always wonder what he would be doing right now. Not having him with us is absolute hell on earth.