Thursday, February 19, 2009

I think the hardest part now is trying to maintain functionality. I feel like someone ripped my heart out, stabbed it, stomped it, and then put it back in and expected it to function the same. That just doesn't happen... I try to make myself get out of the house everyday, but for the past few days when I did, it was SOOO hard. I had to call Jason yesterday in the middle of Kroger to help me not have a complete breakdown. There was a beautiful little girl there with amazing curly hair...she was so upset and crying. Her parents totally ignored her, then mocked her. I was shaking because I was so upset. I finally went to a different aisle and was on the verge of sitting in the middle of it and crying. Luckily Jason's calming abilities work via phone so he talked me through it and I was okay. Tonight I went to Wal-Mart and walked around crying for about 2 hours. I went by the little boy department and they had the most adorable baseball pjs and they trigged a flood of tears that just wouldn't go away.

I don't know how to live in the "normal" world right now. I can't remember anything, I can't sleep. Nothing seems to be working right. I try to keep up the facade of being okay when we are around other people because I know everyone worries about us, but my ability to maintain it for long periods of time is declining rapidly. I miss Eli so much; I am so angry that I don't get to see him grow up. I always wonder what he would be doing right now. Not having him with us is absolute hell on earth.


Kelly said...

I just wish there was something I could do or say to ease your pain. All I know to do is pray that God's love will surround and comfort you during those difficult moments. I pray that you will find peace to know Eli is with God and remember "he only takes the best". You are so strong and brave to share your story and feelings with us. Please know that you are thought of everyday and admired for all that you are doing to help make this world a better place.


Anonymous said...

Rita, you don't have to be strong all the time. You are doing so well. Maybe you should avoid the childrens department in stores for a while. You don't have to do everything at once.

Pam said...

I don't have any words to help. It is just so unfair and it really sucks that he is not here. I like anonymous' advice. I would avoid triggers as much as possible. But I guess that life is a trigger right now. I am so sorry sweetie.