Thursday, June 4, 2009

Guilt

I'm not sure how the grief process goes, if there is any pattern really, but I find myself in an odd place this week. For a few moments, I forgot to be sad. I didn't forget Eli; I always go to sleep and wake up thinking about him, but I did have moments during my day where I didn't feel like my world was over. I think going to school and getting out of the house every day has been a good thing to help pull me out of miserable place I was living in. I have mixed feelings on that. Does that mean I'm forgetting? Moving on? or just finding a place where I'm okay for now? I have no idea. I just know I haven't cried myself to sleep this week. I've woke up crying and come close to tears before sleep, but no crazy anger surges or crying until my eyes hurt. Of course I'm crying while I'm writing this, but I won't count that. I just know it feels strange, different this week and I'm not sure what to think about it.

School is great so far. My professor is from Alabama and seems to have strong opinions on many of the more controversial subjects in history. His lectures have yet to be boring and as an added bonus, he usually lets us out early! I turned in my application for the teacher certification program yesterday. I still wonder if I'll be able to do it, but I at least need to try. The difficult part will be seeing kids come to school dirty or have their parents unwilling to take interest in their child's education, but I had teachers growing up who cared enough to almost be like a parent to some of those kids. Maybe I can too.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

This blog makes my heart happy. I love you and know that you are going to be a wonderful teacher!

Brandi

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy to read what you wrote today. I don't know you but you and Jason's story has touched my life. Although you are struggling with God, I include you in at least one of my daily prayers.

Murphy's Law said...

You will be a super fantastic teacher, Rita! It's OKAY not to cry or be sad every day. It's OKAY to move on with your life. You will NEVER forget Eli. He will always be a part of you. You took such wonderful care of him for his whole (too short) life. Now it is time to take care of you.

You're doing a great job!

~L

Lucy and Ethel said...

What a way to end to end my day (yes, I'm headed for bed soon, thanks to a few hours of weedeating up the mountain!) - reading your post with some great news!

Realizing that your ONLY focus every minute of every day hasn't been on your loss is a huge step forward!!! It comes as a shock to you because it's such a new feeling(!), but it's a good sign. You can bet Eli is breathing a tiny sigh of relief - he's been working hard :)

I'm glad you're looking into teacher certification and agree that you will be a terrific teacher, especially for those who don't get what they need at home.

And you have no idea what else is in store for you....

Cheers and big hugs from NC -

Helen (Lucy)

Marie said...

I am not you, but I've lost a little one, too...I haven't forgotten, but felt horribly guilty when the sadness was less. I still hurt, but there were times where, like you, I forgot to. I was told that you can't stop your mind, soul, or heart from healing anymore then you could stop a broken leg from healing. Even if you keep poking at the wound, it will eventually heal. It doesn't mean you are forgetting, or you love your lost little one less. There will always be a scar, but you are made to heal, so accept that gift, because it's the only way you can go on.
I don't want to intrude or preach, but please don't do what I did, and add unearned guilt to grief. Well, yet more unearned guilt. My daily life is almost normal now...but I haven't forgetten, and it will always hurt when I remember.

Rita said...

Thank you for your comment Marie. I cry every time I come back and read it. ((HUGS))