Many times, late into the night, I sit and read blog after blog, article after article, in hopes that one of them will have a few words that will calm my mind and allow me to sleep. Most of the time I end up crying for the person blogging or writing, knowing a similar pain keeps them up writing and reading too. There's a new term I've learned this past month, babylost. Amazingly enough, there are many other babylost parents out there writing, sharing, caring, but most importantly, crying with one another in a shared grief....all part of the Dead Baby Club that non-members hate to talk about.
I'm sure we are getting to a point when people are expecting us to start "getting over it" and "moving on", but after reading, I see that's not expected from people who have walked our same path. It breaks my heart and causes me many tears, but I read those blogs and articles so that I feel normal where I am in my journey of grief. My feelings, thoughts, actions....they aren't crazy or abnormal or even inappropriate for this stage of things. They are what they are and for now, they are my way of coping. Not many people are "okay" even years and years after losing a child. I don't have to be right now. I am as okay as I need to be.
I've learned a lot in the 5 months that Eli has been gone; I've come to understand things that I never spent much time thinking about before. I think I can now understand the people who cut themselves. I don't do it, but I do sometimes feel emotional pain that is so intense, so strong, that I can only cry in hopes that it will soon ebb and give me a chance to breathe. I long for a release to that pain and I imagine that is what those people are going through too. I understand rage now. I feel it at times and would love to get up and break everything in my house; sometimes I'd even settle for something small to smash. I know it won't solve anything or lessen my pain, but at times, it almost feels like it will. I think it is merely a response to the helplessness that comes before the rage, who knows?
Finally, I can start to understand the desperate things women do to have a child. I miss being a mom. I didn't get to be one for very long, but I liked it, loved it in fact. The horrible reality of SMA is not only does it take your baby, but it takes your future kids with it too. I feel like we should have buried Eli in an adult coffin so there was plenty of room for him, our hopes, our dreams, and our future plans. I'm not sure all that could have fit in that little box they put him in; I don't think they realized it was more than just that little boy going into the cold ground. Anyway, I'm not going to be abducting kids from Target or anything, so don't be worried. I just have a little insight on why that might happen, especially when kids are allowed to wander off or are mistreated in the stores. It all goes back to the unfairness that is life and babies. Sad that we had to fill out an application and do an interview in order to adopt our cats but anyone can have a baby. No job? Drug addict? Doesn't matter...you too can have a baby! Screwed up DNA? Nope...better not even try it.