SMA claimed the life of another beautiful little girl this week. Each new death just tears away another piece of what little heart I have left. I hate feeling so helpless. I feel like I just sit here and watch it happen over and over again, so powerless to stop it. That hurts. It hurts so much.
This week I feel like I'm sitting by watching my marriage fall apart too. There is a rift that seems to be developing between us and I just don't have the energy needed to stop it from happening. As the shock of what happened continues to wear off, our hearts break more and more. We both sit with tears in our eyes so much of the time lately. This is not how things are supposed to be. We struggle to find things to do because we had plans, things we couldn't wait to do. Now those plans are gone and it is so hard to make new ones. How do we plan again after things went so wrong last time? I used to be such a planner, but look where that got me. It is easier not to have expectations now. But what do we fill our time with now? We have talked about getting a puppy, but I almost feel like we are grasping at something, anything to feel the void. I think we both know that is impossible.
I hope we can take a trip out of town soon and do some repair work and nip this in the bud. I love my husband more than anything. He is meant for me and I intend to keep him.
A bit of rambling tonight...just needing to work through a few things. I'm trying to keep the "Oh my God she is crazy" posts confined to my journal now. It is too much to expose all that to so many people. Grief is just not pretty and not always appropriate to throw in people's faces. I'm trying to do better, get back to being a better liar. Life is much easier that way. Dead babies just don't make for good conversation.