Sometimes there are so many things on my mind that I don't know what to write about...
One recent blog post I read had me thinking a lot today about my blog and why I write. Many grieving parents blog; it is a great release and I personally believe that writing helps me work out some things in my mind. Some of the other babylost bloggers are not "out" to their friends and family. I can't say I blame them most of the time... I know sometimes the things I write here probably make people shake their heads, say I should be committed, or maybe they can't figure out why I'm still going on about things like they happened yesterday. It is hard to write when you know people who actually KNOW you are reading it. Grief is a very raw emotion and it doesn't always look pretty on paper. To those that have not been there, it may appear to make someone look crazy, even mentally unbalanced (and yes, there are moments that I know I am crazy and unbalanced). I've debated many times about starting a new blog that I only write for myself and who knows, maybe one day I will. For now, I figure I will continue to write here and if I offend anyone or they finally get tired of reading my crazed rantings, they'll just stop dropping by... I think grieving parents must censor themselves so much that we should at least get one avenue where we can be ranting, raving fools.
This week has been one of those weeks that make me understand the 80% divorce statistic that is always associated with bereaved parents (I'm not sure I believe that one; most couples I know are still together). I honestly don't think those people divorce because they no longer love each other...more so because they do. It is hard to watch someone you love hurt so much and not be able to fix it. I know that's a big issue for men...they live for fixing things and unfortunately, this is one of those things that just can't be fixed. We go back and forth in our relationship and this week has been one of the estranged weeks. Other weeks we can't seem to touch, hug, or spend enough time together. I guess it is all part of the roller coaster we are on....up, down, up, down...lather, rinse, repeat. I know my Jason is having a rough week and I'm not doing a good job being there for him. I am just not strong enough to be that person right now, if ever. Father's Day was a double hurt for him, having lost his dad and Eli too. His dad's birthday is also this week, so that doesn't make matters any easier. I have no idea what it feels like to lose a parent, so I don't know his pain. I can only wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away.
If I have learned anything in these past 5 months, it is never to say "I know how you feel" ever again. Each and every situation is unique. Even if you think you've been there, done that, it is not the same. I promise you, it is not the same at all. I only know how I feel and can imagine the pain others in my situation feel, but I won't know their exact pain. I can't even know my husband's pain and we shared a loss. I can only work through my own and hope to find ways that might make coping easier.
My other issue keeping me up tonight is hopelessness. I feel beaten down this week. I am having trouble finishing up the cook book and getting the federal application even started for the non profit. I honestly wish I could wipe the words spinal muscular atrophy from my mind and NEVER think about them EVER again. Why? It would be easier. I won't have to read about other sicks babies, learn of new angels, or hear about pregnant women finding out that their renewed efforts to have a healthy baby have been thwarted by the cruelty of SMA yet again. My heart is broken, shattered even, and all of that continued bad news just breaks another little piece of what I have left. This week, I don't want to think about SMA. I hate it. I hate what it has done to so many of the wonderful families I've met online during these past 5 months. I will battle through and get back to the fight so that my Eli did not die in vain, but for this week, I think I need a break.