Sunday, July 12, 2009

I've started reading a lot of blogs written by moms who have lost their babies. Not just from SMA, but from all types of illnesses, disorders, and sometimes, the unknown. It is sad how no matter what the cause, we all hurt the same. Some of us put up a better front than others, but most of us are broken shells of the people we were before. Having a child changes you into a different person, but losing that child changes you even more. I go through many days where I don't see any signs of my old self. Where did I go? Will I come back? Who is this stranger I look at in the mirror every day?

I haven't read anything on the other blogs about pregnancy and parenting police, but it has been on my mind so I'm going to share my thoughts on it tonight. It is not a nice side of grief, but not much is. I find myself being the judge of who should be allowed to be parents and who should not. Why do they have a baby and I do not? I would never (insert random parent behavior); my children would be treated so much better than that. It is easy to elevate yourself to the position of best parent ever when you have no child. I can find fault with anyone at this point and make of list of why I deserve to be a mom and they don't. How sad is that? When did it become a competition? I hope it goes away because I am sick of those thoughts. Nobody deserves to lose their child, nor is it up to me to decide who is worthy of being a parent. Easy to say that, but not what usually comes to mind. I sometimes wonder if that is one of the dirty little secrets of babylost moms that nobody talks about or if it is just me.

We visited the cemetery today and it was not a peaceful visit. I have not had a good day today and I shouldn't have went there. I didn't stay long; if I had, I would have ended up on the ground screaming. I thought I needed the headstone there but it only makes it all the more real. My baby is in the ground and I will never hold him again....EVER. What a cold, cruel world.

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