It is hard to believe it has been that long since I last held Eli. Sometimes it seems like time is going so slow, but other times I feel like it has been decades since he took that final breath. Many days it feels like my life is a countdown to the 2nd and 14th of every month. Can those be the only significant days of my life now? All I get is two days a month of sadness and crying, with the days in between meaning nothing? The counselor I talked to on the phone told me the first year will be rough and I have to question if she didn't get that wrong. I think my lifetime will be tough. You can never go back to who you are 'before'; you just have to figure out who you are going to be now. I'm struggling to do that; I have no idea where to go from here. I have struggled with a career choice for ages but had finally settled on stay-at-home-mom. Now that the 5.5 months I was able to do that is over, where do I go from here?
I miss you Eli. I can't believe I will never hold you again. How can that be? Just how can that really be the reality I must learn to live with?