Lately I've been wondering if there will ever be a day where I wake up and don't feel broken. I think I have forgotten what it feels like to be complete, to wake up and be happy that I've woken up. It is strange what losing your child does to you; crazy how you are forced to go through the motions of life with a broken heart.
My heart was broken even more when I heard my husband tell me he felt like a failure. If you know Jason, you know he is about as far from a failure as you can get. He is an amazing husband. I can't even begin to list all of the things he does for me. He knows my bad days and puts his feelings aside to try to make me smile; he cracks jokes, takes me "CVSing", or just offers up hug after hug. I wish everyone could have watched him play with Eli and what a great dad he was. I had a battle with PPD after having Eli and Jason took care of me and our baby boy. He changed diapers, babysat when I needed a break, and offered me some quality cuddle time even when he was exhausted. Even this week he has worked and worked around the house in hopes of making my week better. He always gives so much of himself. There are days when I feel like I don't deserve him, but he stays by my side through it all.
Tonight is another night of no sleep for me. I can't seem to get my mind to turn off long enough to fall asleep. I finally got out of bed so that my crying didn't wake Jason up. He wouldn't mind if it did; he'd just slip his arms around me and offer his quiet strength. I just keep picturing Eli's battered body and I can't get that image out of my head. I remember Jason getting sad as we realized how much was wrong with him at the end. The scoliosis became evident in those last few weeks; the belly breathing so much more pronounced. I think we both want to delete the pictures we took at the hospital but we can't seem to do it. Every picture is special in its own way. Some days it feels like pictures are all we have...
One day not too long ago I had a moment of panic. I had left the house after making tea and on my way home I realized that I had not turned the coffee pot off after I made it. Eli's pictures were on the laptop and it was in the house. What if my forgetfulness had caused a fire?? I was frantic about getting home and happy when I saw it was okay. I talked to Jason and he put all of our videos and pictures on CDs that are now in the fire-proof safe. The laptop crashed not long after that, so I was so glad he had saved them all. It is crazy how obsessed you can get about pictures. I have another story I'll share later about them.
It has been a long time since I came and wrote so much. I feel like I'm angry most of the time and that is not a nice emotion to share. It clouds my brain to the point that I can't write. I don't feel as angry tonight, so it was nice to come and write a little.