This is one of those weeks again. I think after the excitement of last week, it's probably to be expected. All ups seem to be followed by downs.
I feel like I'm really struggling right now. I'm not feeling much purpose in being here, in trying to get through the hurt. I guess I've started to give up hope that things will get better or that we'll ever have the level of happiness that Eli brought. I keep trying to put a new life, possibly a life without a child, in my thoughts, but it is just not working. I want Eli, I want to be a mom, I want all the things that I can't have...maybe ever.
I think I need to find a new support system. Facebook was great for me this past year. I connected with so many other moms who had been through the same type of loss and understood the hurt and pain. I had old friends and new ones providing support and help. It was awesome. Now it feels like a den of pregnant women. I'm happy for everyone, but it is hard not to be jealous. I hate those feelings... On the other hand, I hate to delete my account and lose contact with so many people.. It's a tough call and one I'll have to think about this week and figure out what works best for me right now.
Tomorrow I am having lunch with Jenni, the wonderful chaplain from the children's hospital who was by our side until the very end of things. I'll never forget her kindness and the amazing job she did to help us say goodbye to our beautiful boy.