Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I looked back to my post from one year ago today and it was too hurtful to repost. They are the last pictures we took of Eli and they hurt like hell for several reasons. It sucks knowing they are the last pictures that we'll ever have of him. Worse, they are awful. He looks so sick and not like my beautiful smiling baby. I hope at some point in my life I can get over the anger and hatred I have for the doctor who I think shortened our time with Eli and made him sicker than he was. I'm not in denial about the fact that he was going to die, but I know things shouldn't have happened the way they did. Starving a baby for almost 2 days, especially a sick one who is struggling to gain weight and eat anyway, should never happen. So tonight I'm going to bed angry and sad, missing my beautiful son.


Lucy and Ethel said...

Wanted you to know I was thinking about you and Jason today. And Eli, of course.

When I realized how miserable Jeffrey's first birthday was, I couldn't begin to comprehend how painful his first angel anniversary would be. I started pondering it not so much as the day he died, but the day he beat SMA and went to the perfect place.

Amazingly, the day was actually almost easy! We took the day off from our bakery (our first day off in 7 months) and bought bulbs to plant in his memory where we could see them. The day turned out to be really good.

That's not to say the tears weren't flowing because they're still readily available after 12+ years, but I didn't feel cheated like I had on his birthday.

I hope you have a day full of sunshine and that you can snag some hefty comfort from a few Eli signs. Be looking :)

Sending big mountainbilly hugs -


Anonymous said...

My thoughts are with you Jason and sweet Eli today.

Anonymous said...

Rita -

I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and Jason today. I know words can't ease the pain. I haven't been in touch but I think of you and Eli often. It is so unfair and I'm so sorry this happened.
Amy (from MSN)

Anonymous said...

Hey. You've been in my thoughts for the past week. I wish so very much that I could make it all better for you. Eli's beautiful smile has stayed with me. I showed my grandma his picture and she also found him to be beautiful. (She lost a baby as well.) She said to let you know she's thinking of you too. Hugs and prayers, mrss