Today I should have been getting Eli ready for his 9 month pictures. I had planned on getting his pictures made every 3 months for the first year of his life. I have plenty of baby pictures, but Jason doesn't. I wanted to make sure Eli had plenty to cherish laster, so that was my plan. We only got to take "official" newborn and 3 months pictures. I'm glad we did those; they will be cherished always.

I still can't believe he is gone, but it is finally starting to seem real. It just hurts; it hurts so much. I just can't understand why. I keep seeing all these kids on the news who have been hurt or killed by their parents. We only loved our little guy and would have done anything to protect him. We had so many plans... I think there is already $500 in his college fund, I have tons and tons of clothes from NB up to 5T. WE HAD PLANS. Now what do we do with them? What do we do with the room full of baby stuff? It serves as a good breakdown place right now, but what about next year?

I hate SMA. I HATE HATE HATE SMA.

Miss and love you little boy. I'm so angry that you aren't here and I won't ever get to see you grow up.

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