Eli's Quilt

We received Eli's quilt from Cole's Quilts this week.   If you haven't read about the quilts, go check our their website.  (if you cross-stitch, please consider volunteering!)  It is something we will be able to treasure forever.   Two of the squares are extra special because they were made by members of my SMA family.   The 3 giraffes in the car was done by MJ and Brenda.   If you've been a frequent reader of my blog, you should know all about MJ by now, but if not, you should spend a little time reading her story.   She is one of the most amazing people I've "met" and I hope I can give her a huge hug in person one day.  

Another square was made by my fellow SMA mom, Marla.   Marla lost her son Jay to SMA and has been one of the people I've come to lean on because she gets it.   I hope to make it up her way to visit her one day and get some cuddles from her amazing twins who are SMA free!   She made the Through Eli's Eyes square  for the quilt and I love it.   It is so nice to have the foundation name on there.

Here are some close ups of the other squares on the quilt.  I'll try to post better pictures when I have someone around to hold it up or when we figure out where to hang it.   I'm trying not to lay down and cry on it, but it is hard...    I sure miss that boy of mine.  

Happy Birthday Eli

Not sure if we had posted his wind chime before.   It was placed one year ago today and is still playing music...

Dragonfly solar light we found at Target.   I wanted to know there was some light near him at all times.

We took out some sunflowers today to place on his grave.  

And finally, the balloons...

Eli's Roses

Just a couple of quick shots of Eli's roses.   I'll try to switch out lenses and get some better shots soon.   I can't believe how many HUGE blooms are on there.   They started blooming out on the 14th and haven't stopped.  

It is always amazing to know that Eli remains in the thoughts of my friends.   These pictures were taken by my good friend Sara in Hawaii.

One year ago...

We took our trip out to the cemetery today. The weather seems fitting for the day; it has been gray, cloudy, and raining since I woke up. We put new flowers on all 6 of the graves and left a red rose for Eli. Before we left we released 5 balloons in remembrance of the wonderful 5 months we got to enjoy our beautiful son. I figured I would cry more than I have today, but I feel numb more than anything. It is all still surreal at times, like a nightmare that I'm still waiting to wake up from.

Last Christmas Day

Eli with Aunt Crista

My cutie pie in his Christmas jammies. They are now tear-stained and living in my nightstand.

The greatest gift I've ever received. I just wish I had been able to keep it.

One year ago...

I was looking through pictures and found one we took exactly one year ago. This is, well, WAS my favorite outfit of his. It tends to be the one I grab when I go in his room to cry. It hurts to hold it, but at least we have some pictures of him wearing it. The holidays are so so tough.

Birthday Surprise

My friend Suzanne surprised me with this amazing painting today. She has done so much for me in the 16 months I have known her. She was a constant support through my struggle with breastfeeding, with us the night Eli left, and continues to help us in our fundraising efforts. I had no idea she was bringing something this amazing when she called me today. I can't wait to frame it and hang it up. What a wonderful present this year.

Eli and Mommy Playing by the Tree

I think I posted this before, but it is my favorite and I wanted to share it again. It was on my mind so much this morning.

We were browsing at Kohl's today and look what Jason found!!! I don't really want to put up the tree this year, but he wants to, so at least we have this to put on in memory of our little man.

Thankful

Our computer crashed and we had issues finding some of our pictures from November and December...horrible considering that was the only Christmas we'd get with Eli. I was happy to log in to my Kodak Gallery tonight and see they had an option to download the high resolution version of any pictures that had been uploaded to their website. I am so thankful I had uploaded all of Eli's pictures....now we have these back, safe and sound. I am going to write Kodak a HUGE letter of thanks. I'm going to bed in tears after looking at so many pictures of my beautiful son, but I'm happy knowing I know have his pictures back.

Jason sat down to try and write the dedication page for the cook book tonight. Here are his words....you might want to get a tissue before you start reading. We are both sitting here crying, longing for another moment with our precious little one.

August 2, 2008 is a day that I will remember for the rest of my life. The doctors were in sterile operating attire, my wife was prepped on an operating table, and the room was set for the arrival of a precious gift sent just for Rita and myself. With a simple incision and separation Eli was brought into this world. It was an amazing feeling. I was so excited. I did not know what to do; stay next to my wife; go look at my new son as he experienced his first moments in his life, or just stand there in awe. It seemed like he was pulled out of the empty air. I still remember the little push on Rita’s stomach the night before and wondering what Eli would be like. The decision was made for me. With a “you can go and look at you baby,” I was ushered to look at my son up close for the first time. He was simply beautiful even though they were still cleaning him up. Little perfectly formed fingers and toes, arms and legs flailing; he was perfect to me. Emotions rushed through my body. That was my son. JUST AMAZING. He was really here. Each motion he made seemed somehow exciting. We were taken to the nursery for cleaning and weights and measurements. I was just stunned while we were there. I stood with my arms behind my back just watching the nurse do her job. Finally she said I could touch him. The first touch was magic. A tiny hand clasped onto my finger. It was a simple reaction, but one that will never be forgotten. I stood there and it seemed like everything else disappeared. Nothing mattered; just me and my little Eli. Who knew that moment would be one of the greatest in my life; given to me by something that was here just a little short while, for on January 14, 2009, just 5 months after his arrival, Eli was taken away from Rita and me. I watched as my son drew in his last breath from this world. All life was stalled and my son was no more. No more clasps around my finger. No more smiles. No more giggles. No more life.

My friend MJ took one of my favorite Eli pictures and played around and made this! I love it!

Galveston May 2009

Love and miss you little one. Wish you could have been with us today.

Headstone update

We got the revised bear back from the company we were working with originally and we like it MUCH better than the first one they sent us. I can't get the back side to work on here, but it just has his last name and the crab on it. We are waiting to get the final workup for the blocks so we can make a final decision. The square under his name will have a colored picture of him in his Astros shirt.

Work in Progress

Any choice we make will be in this color granite. We both love it.
I think this is very cute. All the wording would be on the base, along with a picture.

One of the designs we like.

This one appears on a lot of website, so I imagine we could easily find it somewhere...

I found this one while looking for the pictures of the teddy bear ones and we both like it a lot. We will have to send it to the company and see what we get back. It would be very fitting for a cute baby boy I think.

Not trying to make anyone sad by posting these. I just like letting my family know what we are working on and let them see things in progress. I welcome any comments or ideas. Feel free to let me know your favorite!

8 Months...never to be....

Today you should have been 8 months old... I have been having such a hard time lately with missing you. I see your pictures all around the house, but you are not here. Your room is still set up waiting, but it will always be empty. I have to watch Daddy look at your pictures and see him cry. It hurts me so much to see him hurting again. He has been through so much and you were supposed to be the one thing that could make up for all the losses he has suffered. How could you be taken away too? I can't understand that. There is no answer that makes any sense at all. How could loving parents be given the most precious baby boy only to lose him after 5 months? It doesn't seem right that I never got to read you all the books we picked out for you. We never made cookies or those silly handprint turkeys. We never got to do ANYTHING but love you. And I did little one... I loved you so much. Sometimes I wish I hadn't...maybe it wouldn't hurt so much now, maybe my empty arms wouldn't ache so much if you hadn't been so cute with those beautiful smiles that melted my heart.

If you haven't signed the petition yet, please do it. I would give anything to help Victoria and Bill never experience what Jason and I are going through right now. It is too late for Eli, but sign it for Gwendolyn and the other babies who still have a chance.

Eli's Tribute Video

I hope this link will work... My very good friend Davian made us an amazing video using our pictures and home videos of Eli. I am so grateful to have it; it helps so much on those days we feel like we are starting to forget him a little.

(if the link doesn't work, go to Google Video and search for Just Eli. You should be able to find it that way) If it appears blurry, click on the Google video button in the bottom right hand corner and set to original size!

Bad Cat?

One of the last really amazing days I had with Eli we sat by the Christmas tree and talked and played for a long time. I was not able to upload the best video because it is too long, but this one was pretty cute too. I miss him so much; I'm glad we bought a video camera so we can see still and hear him.

One Month...

I'm not sure how to feel today. It is Valentine's Day, which should be a good, but it will also be a month since Eli left us. I can't believe it's been that long, but at the same time it feels like years already. I think each day seems longer than before, harder to enjoy. The past three days have been the worst I've had so far. I can't sleep, get up crying, and can't seem to be very productive when I am up. I am trying harder than I had been though. I had already checked out and wasn't doing much at all, but I know that only makes it worse, so I'm trying. I have been working on my chosen projects and trying to be a better wife. I don't want to hurt Jason and cause a rift between us, so I have to attempt to have a life. I think it is just surviving right now, but at least we can do that together.
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Baby boy...

Daddy and I miss you more and more every single day. I have been clinging to your bear and blanket as I try to fall asleep at night. I wish with all my heart it could be you that I'm holding, but that can't happen now. It gets harder and harder to accept that you are really gone. I go into your room and all the things we so carefully picked out are still there... I found your Christmas vest on the dryer.... Your Bumbo is still in the corner of the living room. Everything is still here, just not you.

I got Daddy and I tickets to the Astros opening game. I cried and debated on it a long time, but Daddy wanted us to go. I already cry my eyes out thinking about it, but I'll go and think of you while I'm there. I had begged that you hang on long enough to go with me, but I am glad you didn't suffer to do that. It is hard to know you won't be there with me, but I know you'll be watching it with Grandpa Greg and Uncle Shawn.

I hope you like the wind chimes, red bird, and flowers we brought you last weekend. We all love and miss you so much.