Thursday, July 8, 2010

What a week....and I mean that in not a good kind of week.   I don't think I've cried this much in ages.   I have no idea what's going on, but my emotions are all over the place.    I feel crazy, depressed, sad, and hopeless all at once.

Eli's birthday is coming up so I think that's part of the problem.   We are still struggling with being able to see any kind of a happy future for ourselves and that's a part of it too.   I feel very lost and left out lately.    We don't really fit in with anyone with know, nor is there a group out there that we can easily belong to.   I've noticed groups such as childless by choice, which we are definitely not.    There are many infertility websites and message boards, but again, not our problem.   Maybe I should start a group, like Life Sucks When You Have Shitty Genes?   Or Surrounded by Bad Luck and Dead Children?   I don't see either of those becoming popular, so I guess we'll just keep struggling to find a place where we can exist.   It is tough when you are the only person in your circle of friends who doesn't have a child.   Well, it is okay if that's by choice, but not so much when it's because of crap like SMA.  

As much as I loved Eli, sometimes I wish I'd never gotten pregnant.  I was content to go through life without being a mom.   It was not something I obsessed over or thought about really.    Now that I got that little glimpse of how amazing the other side is, I want it.  I want it so much I feel like I'm becoming one of the people I always pitied.   Obsessed with babies, thinking about them all the time, WANTING, LONGING for one so bad.   How do you undo that and go back to just being okay without that mom title?   Hypnosis?

Speaking of SMA, I am currently in hiding from it in a way.   I have lost the determination that drove me, that kept me bugging everyone for the past year.    I wasn't even sure I wanted to do the walk this year.   I feel like every minute I spend thinking about it, I lose another minute of trying to escape from the hell that it has caused in my life.   I know that's wrong, but that's where I'm at right now.    Tough place.  

Well, that's my rant, vent, depressed writing for the night.   I couldn't seem to sleep with all that on my mind, so I thought I'd try to write it out and ease my mind a little.   It probably won't help and I'll still be up in a few hours, but I can always hope.

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