Hey all.

Just a quick update.  The walk is definitely on for August 7th at 8am, so please come walk with us if you can.   I am busy with my new Stampin' Up! business and if you want to see what's been going on with that, be sure to check out my card blog.   I also got a job at Hobby Lobby and start tomorrow!    Lucky me also got picked for jury duty so I have that on Tuesday.    Fun times.

I am wondering if any of you who stop by have any talent in graphic arts or logo design.   We need a logo for Through Eli's Eyes, hopefully something pretty but still with a crab somehow incorporated into it.   If that's something you can do and would be willing to volunteer time to do, please let me know.  

Off to bed.   It has been a tiring last few days and I need to rest up for the rollercoaster of new things that starts tomorrow.

~Rita

Cooking!

One thing Jason and I have found that we like to do together is cook, so that's what we did a lot of this week.    This was our Tuesday night meal of baked fish, macaroni and cheese, and steamed broccoli.   I liked the fish because the mayo/lime sauce under the crumb topping gave it a hint of the tarter sauce I usually have with my fish.   The macaroni and cheese had a good flavor, but it definitely needs less baking time.  It was very creamy when we put it in the baking dish, but the oven dried up much of the sauce.   It does look good right out of the oven though, right?

On Monday night we had my favorite meal of blackened mahi mahi, jambalaya rice, and salad.  One of our local (expensive) seafood restaurants makes this great rice and I really wanted some without the cost of going there.   I found this recipe from Cooking Light and decided to try it out.  It wasn't exactly the same, but pretty good nonetheless.  We just seasoned the fish with some store-bought blackening spice.    

Last night we had our tried-and-true meatloaf with Jason's mashed potatoes and salad.   I forgot to snap a picture because we were late getting dinner started and by the time it was ready, we were HUNGRY.   

I think I'm going into hiding for a while.   It seems like everyone I know has an infant or child AND/OR is pregnant.   I think there should be an alternate universe for everyone who struggles with infertility or shitty genes to live together away from all that.    It gets old to be happy for the rest of the world while you struggle to get out of bed yourself.   I am at point the point that I really just want to move away from here and start over.   I can have better control of my friends and surroundings at that point.   I know I can't expect to have all childless friends, but it would be nice to find a few of them, especially ones who love their pets and do paper crafts.  That's not asking for much, right?    Maybe some older lady with NO grandkids would fit my bill...

What a week....and I mean that in not a good kind of week.   I don't think I've cried this much in ages.   I have no idea what's going on, but my emotions are all over the place.    I feel crazy, depressed, sad, and hopeless all at once.

Eli's birthday is coming up so I think that's part of the problem.   We are still struggling with being able to see any kind of a happy future for ourselves and that's a part of it too.   I feel very lost and left out lately.    We don't really fit in with anyone with know, nor is there a group out there that we can easily belong to.   I've noticed groups such as childless by choice, which we are definitely not.    There are many infertility websites and message boards, but again, not our problem.   Maybe I should start a group, like Life Sucks When You Have Shitty Genes?   Or Surrounded by Bad Luck and Dead Children?   I don't see either of those becoming popular, so I guess we'll just keep struggling to find a place where we can exist.   It is tough when you are the only person in your circle of friends who doesn't have a child.   Well, it is okay if that's by choice, but not so much when it's because of crap like SMA.  

As much as I loved Eli, sometimes I wish I'd never gotten pregnant.  I was content to go through life without being a mom.   It was not something I obsessed over or thought about really.    Now that I got that little glimpse of how amazing the other side is, I want it.  I want it so much I feel like I'm becoming one of the people I always pitied.   Obsessed with babies, thinking about them all the time, WANTING, LONGING for one so bad.   How do you undo that and go back to just being okay without that mom title?   Hypnosis?

Speaking of SMA, I am currently in hiding from it in a way.   I have lost the determination that drove me, that kept me bugging everyone for the past year.    I wasn't even sure I wanted to do the walk this year.   I feel like every minute I spend thinking about it, I lose another minute of trying to escape from the hell that it has caused in my life.   I know that's wrong, but that's where I'm at right now.    Tough place.  

Well, that's my rant, vent, depressed writing for the night.   I couldn't seem to sleep with all that on my mind, so I thought I'd try to write it out and ease my mind a little.   It probably won't help and I'll still be up in a few hours, but I can always hope.

Just wanted to let the local folks know that we will be having the walk on August 7th this year.   It will start at 8am at Deussen Park shelter #5.   There will be no entry fee, but you are more than welcome to donate if you wish.  We are deciding right now where we want to send the funds we raise, but it will be for SMA research.