Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Why me?

Why us?

I hate questions that will never have an answer.  Ugh.

I am so sick of not sleeping again.  :(    I'm so tired all day and can't seem to get anything done.    I hate being such a complainer all the time, but it has been a long time since I actually felt like I had anything to be happy about.   I think hope has officially died at our house and the happiness along with it.   We keep trying to hang on and hope that something, ANYTHING good will happen and erase some of the pain from the past year and a half, but nothing yet.

I'm thinking about finally making an appointment with a counselor.   Our insurance covers 25 visits a year, so I'm thankful for that.  It is hard to pick someone just from looking at a list of names on a paper, but I guess I'll start with one and go from there.   We also made an appointment at one of the fertility clinics here to find out more information on the couple of options we are exploring.   I imagine they will all be out of our price range, but I think it is time we go find out for sure.   I'm at the point that I either want to have a plan on trying to have another child or go ahead and clean out the nursery.   I can't imagine even going through that room and trying to get rid of anything, but if we are going to plan a childless life, it has to be done at some point.   It sucks that there are companies out there who will come clean up blood and guts if someone is murdered in your house, but not one to come take away the baby stuff when your child dies.   The reminders are there and a closed door does nothing to lessen the pain of missing what should have been.  

1 comment:

Sära said...

Oh Rita, nothing I say can make it any better, but I just wanted to comment to let you know that I do read these posts. I've cried for you. If nothing else, know you've created something beautiful. Even if he's not here physically, he'll always be with you and you've shared the opportunity with all of us to get to know more about Eli.
Great big hugs to you.