Sorry for the lack of posts... I think I just ran out of things to say. We've been over and over the grief, the hurt, the anger so many times that I figured you were sick of hearing about it. I know I'm sick of living it. I think our friends are sick of hearing about it too as most of them seem to avoid us these days. We've hoped for better, happier days, but they still elude us at every turn. I don't know how you stay positive when life is nothing but a string of negatives. Jason is my strong, silent husband who rarely says anything, but he finally shared that even he has lost hope for happiness at this point. We even ventured as far as having the d-word discussion last week. Sad that it even came to that, but coping with the loss of a child is HELL and sometimes it is too much. We have a bit of a plan to try to work on our problems so we will see what happens.
There's an old saying that money is the root of all evil. (It might even be a Bible verse?) For us, money is the KEY to all hope right now. I feel like we are in a spot where we truly need about $15,000 to even have a shot at being a real family again. Nobody is going to hand that over, so we have to try to figure out a way to save it up. If you know anything about our past, you know we are pretty good at saving when we have to. We had to pay for two funerals in about six months time right after we got married, so we KNOW about saving and paying off debt. It is hard with me not working, but I'm slowly starting to send out resumes in hopes of someone returning a call and granting me an interview. I know the chance to try PGD/IVF isn't going to fall into our laps and I feel like it is my responsibility to try to EARN it. Jason works and pays the bills; I need to work and save! Even a part-time job would work for me right now, so keep your fingers crossed that something opens up for me.
More on that... For a long time after Eli died, I barely functioned. The thought of having to build a routine and get up and go to work every day was so overwhelming that I couldn't even think about it. Now, I am ready to get out. I feel trapped at home lately and I NEED to get out for my own sanity. I just signed up to be a demonstrator for Stampin' Up so I at least have some projects to work on until something else comes through for me. I love paper crafts, so I hope that love will help me get others interested as well. I know it is a lifesaver for me sometimes. I love being able to go in my room and let the creative juices flow. It stimulates the mind, but also lets you be a kid again when you color images and cut and paste things. :)
Anyway, that's what is going on in our world. The garden has been producing quite well so far and now I am spending time baking zucchini bread to use up some of our crop. The plant looks like it has had enough Texas heat so I think we are at the end for that. My first tomato is starting to turn and the plant is full of small green ones. We've picked beans a couple of times now and have a little freezer stash of those. The strawberry plants are still going and man are the new ones good! They are so sweet and delicious. I know we won't get that many more this season, but we have a nice quart bag full of them frozen for later. Jason pulled off the first few ears of corn and will be eating them in a veggie stir-fry for lunch tomorrow. We've been taking full advantage of the fresh basil and putting it on our homemade pizzas.
Oh, I am trying to quit eating meat! That is my other news that I almost forgot to mention. I started losing my taste for it back when I was pregnant with Eli (except for steak and chicken salad) and I just never liked it as much as I did before. Jason decided to reduce his intake of red meat because of his family history of colon cancer so we haven't been eating it much. So, I just decided to take the leap and give up meat. I still have seafood and dairy on my list of foods I will eat, so I'm not going vegetarian....at least not just yet.