Late nights of too much thinking and snoring husbands...

I was thinking about the past two weeks and how much "better" I think I've been dealing with things. I came to the conclusion that it is working because really, I'm NOT dealing with anything. I'm in some sort of avoidance mode. We took the framed pictures of Eli out of the living room a few weeks back so we could use the bar area for company. For some reason, we never put them back up. Walking past them every day triggered a lot of crying for me, so maybe that is helping curb the number of breakdowns. Who knows? None of this makes any sense. If you come to my house and look in the cabinet underneath the bathroom sink, you'll find lots of hooded towels, baby bath stuff, and a rubber ducky. Why? That's all that remains of what was...everything else has been put into the den of sadness formerly known as the nursery. I can't put those last few things up and try to go on with my life. Not yet. Maybe not ever. How can that be all there is left?

I had to go to the doctor yesterday. My OB/GYN quit taking my insurance so I had to find a new one. Sitting in the waiting room was hell. I had pregnant women all around me. One had her whole family there and they were so excited about finding out the sex of the baby. Another couple came in and had the most adorable little boy. He was having a blast screaming and playing. I felt tears falling down my face a few times but I just burrowed further into my history book and tried to block it out. It is hard to live in the real world sometimes. Of course I cried when I had to meet with the doctor and give her all my history. She seemed nice enough, but of course she was clueless about SMA, much like we all were before. Oh how I would love to go back in the past and never have to hear those horrible words.

We did go start the bank account for the nonprofit today. We can take donations now but they are not tax deductible yet. Getting that form filled out and submitted will be the next thing on the to do list! Miss Megan has volunteered to help with designing a website so I am excited about that. So many kind souls have joined in this journey with us and I can't ever say enough thank yous to get our appreciation out there.