Guilt

I'm not sure how the grief process goes, if there is any pattern really, but I find myself in an odd place this week. For a few moments, I forgot to be sad. I didn't forget Eli; I always go to sleep and wake up thinking about him, but I did have moments during my day where I didn't feel like my world was over. I think going to school and getting out of the house every day has been a good thing to help pull me out of miserable place I was living in. I have mixed feelings on that. Does that mean I'm forgetting? Moving on? or just finding a place where I'm okay for now? I have no idea. I just know I haven't cried myself to sleep this week. I've woke up crying and come close to tears before sleep, but no crazy anger surges or crying until my eyes hurt. Of course I'm crying while I'm writing this, but I won't count that. I just know it feels strange, different this week and I'm not sure what to think about it.

School is great so far. My professor is from Alabama and seems to have strong opinions on many of the more controversial subjects in history. His lectures have yet to be boring and as an added bonus, he usually lets us out early! I turned in my application for the teacher certification program yesterday. I still wonder if I'll be able to do it, but I at least need to try. The difficult part will be seeing kids come to school dirty or have their parents unwilling to take interest in their child's education, but I had teachers growing up who cared enough to almost be like a parent to some of those kids. Maybe I can too.