Tonight is just one of those nights that I laid in bed thinking 'What the ****?' How can MY child, my Eli, be dead? That's one of those things that happens to other people. I am never those people....so what is going on? I hate begging people for donations. I am not a fundraiser type of person. I want to be picking out school supplies or kissing a scrapped elbow. Why is my life what it is now?

It has been such a strange week for me. I miss Eli, but I really miss all the hopes and dreams I had of being a mom. Will I ever get to read all those children's books I bought? Will any of those clothes I bought, the ones all the way up to 4 and 5T ever be worn? I buried my son, but those hopes, those plans...they are still here. I wish I could just be part of the normal folks, the ones who can just decide they want a baby and start working on it. I don't get that easy route now. I get initials... SMA, PGD, IVF, CVS, and a 25% chance of bad things happening. I get a sad husband who just really wants to be a dad.

I wish it was a simple as that big red easy button...