My darling Eli...

I am sad that we aren't celebrating your 11-month mark today. I still can't believe you aren't here with us. Daddy and I both think you were more like a dream to us now. It feels like so long ago that we last held you. Oh what I wouldn't give to hold you once again. It is hard to still be here without you. I miss you so much. I know I said I never wanted a baby but boy did you change my mind. I just wish you had stayed longer... We didn't get to read even half of the books I got for you. I was getting a little sick of Dr. Seuss, but I'd gladly let them twist my tongue all up if I could just have you here to read to.

I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do now. I had already decided not to go back to work and be home with you. I don't know where that leaves me now. I don't want to go back to a job like my last one. I cried so many times wishing I could quit. I can't do that again, not right now. I have no idea what to do. I just want to be your mommy. Nothing else seems right or fitting for me. I have started the process of getting in the teaching field, but I don't know if that is the right place for me. Can I look at those cute 1st graders every day and not imagine you and what you would look like? Can I stand to be around kids all day and then go home to an empty house? I have no idea. I don't think I can commit to anything right now, so I'll just work on helping other mommies and daddies by trying to raise some money for SMA research. Do you know how much I'd be willing to sacrifice to keep other mommies from missing their babies as much as I miss you? EVERYTHING. Mommies need their babies. They really do. The world is just not the same when you walk around with a big part of yourself missing. You left mommy with a big hole in her heart and I don't think it will ever heal.

Today I shook myself off and am trying to stand back up and be a good wife to daddy. He has been such a great man through this all and I need to give him a reason to continue to love me like he has. I wish you could have grown up and learned to be like him. He's amazing and I hate that you can't be here to see that. He showed you so much love while you were here and was the best daddy I've ever known. I miss watching him play with you. You saved your cute giggle just for him and I miss it.

I love you little one and I always will. I'll try not to be so angry all the time. I'm just mad that so many other little ones are here being neglected and abused while you had to go away.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy