I have so much on my mind lately, but no words to really put it all in writing. It is a rough time for us right now, but I honestly have no idea why. I don't understand the ups and downs of grieving. What makes one day worse than the other? Why are things worse after 5 months? When will we stop hurting so much? All questions with no answers...

I think for me, I have lost hope. I'm grieving for Eli, but also parenthood. I have no hope that I will ever hear a little voice call me momma. It is hard to think that our lives will go on without a child, but I honestly think that will end up being the case. I keep thinking I'd love to try again, but then I find out another baby has died or been diagnosed and I know I can't do that again. It would kill me to go though it again. Adoption seems confusing, but Jason isn't on board with that option anyway. So I guess we are cat parents for now. What comes next is unclear.

It was very strange at the cemetery the other day. The man who set Eli's headstone was super nice. His 9 year-old son's birthday was that day. We talked about his two boys....while he was putting the headstone on our son's grave we talked about his two very alive sons. It was strange. Afterwards we had dinner with family and were surrounded by pregnant people and kids. Does life ever quit being cruel to babylost parents?