One model of the stages of grief shows them as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I know I have been through at least four of them; sometimes all four in a matter of minutes, other times weeks. I think anger is the most difficult one to overcome and I find myself there so much of the time. I have been struggling a lot this past week and I think much of that is anger. Why Me? I wish someone could answer that question for me. It would make all of this a bit easier to deal with. I would love to know what horrible thing I did in my life that would warrant losing my child. I gave to my food pantry each chance I had, bought Christmas gifts for nursing home patients and always made sure we picked as many angels off the Christmas tree as we could afford so kids could have presents and not be disappointed on the most commercialized holiday we have. I made holiday dinners and invited friends, family, and anyone else who needed a place to go. I still try to give back as much as I can despite the fact that my heart is broken and I'd rather curl up and hate the world.

Why Jason? Nobody has been put through as much pain and loss as my husband. Eli was his chance of having a new family, someone to love, someone who didn't leave him. He had already lost a brother, both parents, grandparents, and a best friend. Why Eli too? How much loss can one person be expected to endure in their lifetime? I think he has had more than enough. I honestly don't know how he even gets up every day and functions.

I would rather be in any other stage. This one is hell. It is hard to be mad at the world and question why something so terrible had to happen to us. There are never any answers. Who knows why? Certainly not me or anyone I've met. I just get up and hope it be another day, another stage. I'm not sure how long it takes to make your way to acceptance, but it sure doesn't even seem on the horizon for me.

Pardon any grammer/spelling mistakes. I'm back to the sleepless nights phase so I'm up when I should be sleeping...again.