"A Pair of Shoes"
author unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Through this journey of grief I have met several other moms who lost their babies to SMA. They are all amazing women and it makes me sad to know they once experienced what I am going through now. I already told you about my great friend Laurie, who I have now adopted as my long lost sister, but before I go to bed tonight I'd also like you to meet Helen. She lost her Jeffery to SMA and like me, she shares her story, along with the stories of many others on a blog. She took the other path, the one I'm not willing to go down right now, so I'd like to share a recent blog post from her. She recently wrote one about us and Eli, so be sure to read that one too. While I love the SMA community, I hate what brought, and continues to bring, all of us together. Our kids would have had some awesome moms (and dads) guiding their way through this life.

I thank each and everyone who has reached out and shared their stories and tried to help me on my path to healing. I hope I can do something in the future so that you all can know how much it means to me. ((HUGS))

Jason has been working hard this week!

My Easter Rose Bush!
My craft room. It is a very very light purple. I love it!

Today's project: Before

And after! We went and bought a truckload of little rocks and are going to use those as our landscape borders now. I still have to finish trimming the hedges. I had a rough day with that. It took forever to trim two of them and I finally got mad and threw the trimmers across the yard. I went and bought an electric trimmer and I'll be darned if I didn't catch the electrical cord on the first hedge. I will have to run and grab another cord tomorrow and try it again! It was just one of those days I guess...

We are going to take the grass that Jason dug up and put it out at the cemetery so Eli's grave isn't just bare dirt. It will be nice to know that the grass that covers him came from his home.

Work in Progress

Any choice we make will be in this color granite. We both love it.
I think this is very cute. All the wording would be on the base, along with a picture.

One of the designs we like.

This one appears on a lot of website, so I imagine we could easily find it somewhere...

I found this one while looking for the pictures of the teddy bear ones and we both like it a lot. We will have to send it to the company and see what we get back. It would be very fitting for a cute baby boy I think.

Not trying to make anyone sad by posting these. I just like letting my family know what we are working on and let them see things in progress. I welcome any comments or ideas. Feel free to let me know your favorite!

Easter Sunday

The community basket for all guests!
After much debate, I ended up putting some eggs on to boil last night. I needed some for our deviled eggs today, so I figured we should at least try to have some fun coloring them. It was a nice break and we had a few laughs doing it. I always dye mine several times because I enjoy doing it so much that I am always sad when they are all colored. If you look closely at the yellow one, I put Eli's name on it so he was part of the fun.

Today has been hard and I have cried several times. I'm very lucky that I have such a wonderful husband to hold me when I break down. I did okay while we had company, but didn't make it long after they left. We only had 2 people come for dinner today. I don't know if everyone else is just avoiding us or what. I know we don't get nearly as many phone calls or visitors as we did a few months ago. I won't complain about the lack of phone calls. I hate talking on the phone now. I do miss the visitors though; it was always a distraction from all the sadness. I know we are probably not the best company now so I don't blame people for not wanting to come over. Everyone else has a life that just keeps going; we are the ones stuck on January 14th.

Recipes, Recipes, Recipes!

I still need many more recipes for the fundraiser cookbook! If you haven't emailed me one yet, please do! I especially need bread and roll recipes, but can use all categories! kyann22 @ yahoo.com (just leave out the spaces to email me. If I don't put them in on here, I get way too much spam in my email!)

Why Should I Care?

If you haven't signed the petition or made a donation to help fund SMA research, perhaps this video will help you understand why it is so important to do so.

I realize holidays are going to be hell for us for a long time. It is so hard to watch everyone getting excited about Easter and hiding eggs and making baskets. Everything is so much different on this side of things....

Everyone else in the world has went on with their lives while we seem to be stuck in the same place. People make comments about being frustrated with their kids; before we would have laughed along with them but now all I can think is "well, at least they are alive". I hear about all their kids latest accomplishments and all I can think is "Eli will never get to do that". It is a strange place to be, not one I would wish anyone I know to ever have to be.

I have finally found a little peace by giving up on any ideas of religion. It is much easier to cope with what happened when I just look at it from a science viewpoint. The standard words we get from most everyone are "we are praying for you". I have heard that from people I am pretty sure don't even pray....but if they do pray, what would they pray for really? People prayed for Eli but he died anyway. People pray that we have peace, but that's not happening. I guess that is the only thing they can think of to say at this point. Just realize that there is no comfort in that for me and I probably won't respond to it. If you chose to worship a god that takes babies away from loving homes but leaves others to be beaten and abused, that's your right, but it is not something I want to be a part of. Jason and I have a new saying to live by.... Whatever lets you sleep at night. I actually found an interesting article on this subject that I thought I would share that might help explain a little about where I'm coming from on this.

http://www.archuletaavenue.com/2009/04/project-alicia.html

I thought this was an interesting article... I hope it will raise a little awareness for SMA by reaching the members of David Archuleta's fan club. He has even inspired a group of people to raise money for charities in his honor. I'm glad his fame is benefiting people who need help.

MY MOM LIES

My mom she told a lot of lies
She never did before.
From now on until she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my mom how she is
And, because she can't explain
She will tell a little lie,
Because, she can't describe the pain.
Ask my mom how is she,
She'll say "I am alright".
If that's the truth mom, why is it you cry alone each night?
Ask my mom how she is; she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice, you see... nor the strength to yell.
Ask my mom how is she, "I'm fine, I'm good, I'm coping",
"For God's sake mom! Just tell the truth" just say your heart is broken!!!
She loved me all my life; I've loved her all of mine.
But, if you ask her how she is, she'll lie and say "just fine".
I am in heaven, I cannot hug from here
She'll lie to you, but just don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again, we'll smile and I'll be bold,
I'll say you lucky to get in here mom... with all the lies you told!

The Latest Adventures of Mr. Crab

He went and walked some laps with me on Friday night for the Relay For Life walk.

and tonight he attended the home opener for the Astros. More on that later...

In Loving Memory

Tonight I will be walking in Relay for Life in memory of my papaw Lester as well as my mother-in-law Pam. They were both remarkable people who left great voids in our lives and hearts when they left this world. We love and miss you both and hope you are holding Eli and giving him lots of hugs and kisses.

8 Months...never to be....

Today you should have been 8 months old... I have been having such a hard time lately with missing you. I see your pictures all around the house, but you are not here. Your room is still set up waiting, but it will always be empty. I have to watch Daddy look at your pictures and see him cry. It hurts me so much to see him hurting again. He has been through so much and you were supposed to be the one thing that could make up for all the losses he has suffered. How could you be taken away too? I can't understand that. There is no answer that makes any sense at all. How could loving parents be given the most precious baby boy only to lose him after 5 months? It doesn't seem right that I never got to read you all the books we picked out for you. We never made cookies or those silly handprint turkeys. We never got to do ANYTHING but love you. And I did little one... I loved you so much. Sometimes I wish I hadn't...maybe it wouldn't hurt so much now, maybe my empty arms wouldn't ache so much if you hadn't been so cute with those beautiful smiles that melted my heart.

If you haven't signed the petition yet, please do it. I would give anything to help Victoria and Bill never experience what Jason and I are going through right now. It is too late for Eli, but sign it for Gwendolyn and the other babies who still have a chance.

Vacation Pics

Packed and ready to go!
The sitting area in our room! The fireplace was great this morning; it was a bit chilly!

The Hill Country really needs some rain. This was Onion Creek, minus the water.

The Inn had a lovely flower garden. Fresh flowers were in our room and on the dining tables each day. We sat there and watched hummingbirds one day and it was so relaxing and peaceful. We were even joined by the two Inn cats, which had us feeling right at home.

One of the many bird feeders on the property. It was so relaxing to sit and watch the birds. This feeder had as many as 7 cardinals around it at one time. They were beautiful.

The Inn was on 100 acres of land in Kyle, TX. It was about a mile or so off the beaten path, but still close to San Marcos. We spent yesterday at the outlet malls walking around and enjoying the beautiful weather.

Despite the lack of rain, the bluebonnets were still in full bloom in some spots.

Not quite the picture I had in mind for this spring, but unfortunately, that's all we were able to take. Miss you little man. We took Mr. Crab with us just like we promised.